Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…


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15 Infants Reported Dead in Syria in Drug Mix Up – PNC Voice | PNC Voice

this is shocking enough…surely the powers that be will make it look like it’s a rare happening…

but what about the girls paralysed or otherwise suffering after the anti-hpv vaccinations, what about the neurologically impaired or autistic children after the hep. B vax given at birth, or the dpt…the mmr?

surely the recent revelations of the CDC whistleblower who helped to publish fraudulent papers about the ‘no link between vaccine and autism’  should give us pause.

i never get the flu shot, and i never get the flu…my mom gets both every year one after the other…

i think it’s safe to say that one should think twice before letting a strange substance be injecting into one’s body!

 

15 Infants Reported Dead in Syria in Drug Mix Up – PNC Voice | PNC Voice.

butterfly emerging from chrysalis (


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metamorphosis

today, while standing at my kitchen sink, my hands deep in suds and my gaze out the window…as i was rinsing out the last of the dishes, a subtle movement of something colourful interrupted my unfocused stare.  upon bringing my attention to the matter, at first i thought it an old leaf, too soon turned with its orange hue and curled edges, caught perhaps in a spider’s abandoned web on the window’s screen.

i watched for a few moments as the bit of detritus shifted smoothly on the morning breeze.  then i brought my field of vision into more acute focus as it dawned on my that this was not some dead leaf, fallen early from her moorings only to be caught up in another.

part of the slender presence seemed attached to something from which it was wrenching itself free.  it took seconds for me to know what i was witnessing…a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis!

mesmerised, i watched as it shifted ever so slightly, moved by an unseen breath.  almost one had to slow down time to discern its subtle movements. as soon as i could break free from the spell unto which i’d unknowingly succumbed, i called to my daughter to share the miracle with me.

she was not unimpressed. and as we stood there together, the natural teacher in me rose up and explained that the newly metamorphosed creature somehow knew just exactly how small a hole to make in the encasement so that in squeezing through it, the pressure of emerging would push ‘juices’ from its abdomen out into the veins of its wings, causing them to eventually unfurl…too big of a hole and the requisite pressure would not be great enough to enable the wings to flight…too small and the butterfly would be trapped inside.  the notion of this exquisite perfection of innate knowlege overwhelms me.

but, even as most children below a certain age are not thrilled by sleight of hand magick tricks (why wouldn’t i be able to pull a coin out from behind his ear?) similarly my 11 year old daughter didn’t seem to grasp the perfection in what the butterfly had accomplished…the tiniest margin of error avoided without effort.  in fact, no emerging butterfly ever makes the hole too big or too small!

i thought of how ziona was a butterfly, her former body so different from what her new one will be.  just as the caterpillar must be sacrificed for the butterfly.  now, on her puberty blockers, she is in a sort of chrysalis. waiting now, but someday in the near future she will change too.  someday the butterfly will push through, unfurl its wings and bask for a moment in the early sun, before listing off on a breeze.

how magickal it is! how awesome to be part of this metamorphosis.


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Dear “Autism Parents”,

pasupatidasi:

as mom to a beautiful neuro-diverse, transgender daughter i am always impressed by this person’s writing! her blog posts are nutritious and enlightening…enjoy!

Originally posted on Just Stimming...:

I want to clear a couple of things up.

1.

I don’t have autism. I am autistic. This is important to me. It also doesn’t mean that I “see myself as a disability first and a person second,” whatever that is supposed to mean. In my eyes, I’m Julia. Just Julia.

I cannot separate out which parts of me brain are wired because baby I was born this way and which parts of my brain should be marked off as AUTISM. Nor do I particularly care, to be honest. I am Julia, and a significant fraction of Julia is autism (and thus, via the transitive property, I am autism but that’s not the point). Am I a writer because I’m Julia, or because I’m autistic? My writing is good in its own right, I am told, and it’s also fundamentally shaped by my neurology–just like yours. I like

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a ‘passing’ grade

just wanted to share this awesome Janet Mock article with any readers of this blog.  

now to rant.

i hate the term ‘passing’ as it is applied to transgender people! we are so looksist and sexist in our society.  when people use the term ‘passing’ for a transgender woman, what i hear behind the words is: “he really looks like a woman”   

no one worries about how i, as a cis-woman, ‘present’.  i can wear pants and no make-up all day long, be as frumpy as i please and no one challenges whether or not i am a woman.  no one questions that i ‘pass’.  so i can’t imagine how unfair it must seem for a transgender woman to be held up to some unreal standard of ‘passing’.  i’ve heard the saying that gender isn’t between the legs, it’s between the ears.  i totally agree.  so where does ‘passing’ figure into it?

it seems a back-handed compliment at best and not very trans-friendly to judge whether or not a woman makes the ‘passing’ grade.  

some of my older friends who are transgender tell me that my daughter is lucky to be receiving puberty blockers that will keep her from suffering the irreversible effects of testosterone.  that she will be able to ‘pass’ much easier.  but i feel that it’s a shame that it’s such a big thing.

of course, this is all a very cis-gender attitude to have.  after all, with or without make-up, i am read as a woman, and there’s no danger that a man, who has felt attracted to me, will later feel betrayed and angry enough to beat me for not being a ‘real woman’.  i will not have a job interview go south because i don’t ‘pass’.  i will not be followed home down a dark street by dangerous idiots that taunt me as being a ‘she-male’.

whether i think passing matters or not is of little consequence.  but i look forward to a day when no one worries about such a thing.  when a woman is a woman because she says so! when that is enough! i look forward to a day when ‘trans-exclusionary radical feminists’ realise that their own ‘womanhood’ is not more than that of a transgender woman.  when society lets go of a need to judge…

i look forward to a time when people are more concerned about their own being able to  ‘pass’ for a compassionate human being.


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one can dream

many parents become anxious for this time of year…the time when the kids go back to school. we homeschool, for a number of reasons, and so back to school means back to the grind for me.  but i do try to make the experience enjoyable for us both.  we decide on electives together…this year we’re learning japanese and python….we use internet and videos for studying science and history especially…we choose art projects together and often plan a mid-autumn get-away to go caving or something.

it is frustrating to wear the hat of teacher and parent sometimes.  still, i wouldn’t have it any other way…not just because i don’t agree with the methods of teaching in public schools.  but also because it is a harsh world in public schools for children who are ‘different’ … there are bullies their own age with whom the must contend, there are even adults whose aren’t ‘cool’ with the ‘different-ness’  of our kids.

ziona has autism, but is very high functioning.  she does however have difficulty with nuance and socialisation among her peers.  which leaves her as the ‘odd man out’.  but the real danger for her in a school or other situation as loosely monitored as are classroom and playground, is the same one that she will have to eventually face nearly every day of her life.  

transgender women, in the world as it is today, are never quite ‘safe’ from bullying or attacks. as a mom  this is an overwhelmingly terrifying fact of life.  knowing that no matter how well i prepare her, no matter how savvy or strong she may eventually grow to be, there will always be the danger of her being judged, bullied or even viciously attacked just for being herself.  

i haven’t broken this to her yet.  i don’t know how to broach the subject of how horrible people can be to those who are different.  i don’t want to tell her how much more likely a transwoman is of being attacked or killed. i want to protect her from the fact that there are even other women who will judge and exclude her,  speak ill about her and shun her, just because she was born with a body that was a betrayal of her soul. i just don’t want her to have to worry about such things…not yet. 

still, one day i will have to begin to help her know about the dangers…one day, as her teacher and her mom, i will need to prepare her for the time when this nice cocoon of living and learning at home will come to an end, when she will spread her wings against the skies of her own tomorrow…i will need to help her know how to defend herself, in ways that other parents of cis-gender daughters never have to consider.

i guess there’s still time before i have to break the news to her…about how ugly the world can be.  in the back of my mind i hold out hope that the world will change…become a kinder, gentler place before she must fly the nest. and in fact, there are many good changes coming about.  transgender women role models are popping up in the most public of places…as actors, athletes, directors, musicians, doctors and politicians!  so maybe in the decade we still have before she is out on her own, the world will have changed…become safer.  

one can dream!

 

 

 


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TERFs: the new and nastier Westboro clan

 

it’s hard living in a world wherein so much hate masquerades as good.

there is the geo-political fascism of zionism that pretends to be a necessary protector of jewish people who suffered germany’s holocaust even while its practices perpetrate a worse holocaust upon the palestinians whose lands these modern day nazis have stolen, in a most horrendous fashion with genocide in the wings.

there’s the fanatical hate of all muslims over the (perhaps even justifiable) actions of the few.  the pre-war “two-minutes-hate” of the US press riling folk up against Russia.  the ridiculous xenophobia toward immigrants in both the US and the UK. all of which only pits the poor against each other while the evil 1% overlords sup in plenty and dwell in luxury.

then there’s the terfs…trans-exclusionary radical feminists.

as a 60 year old queer woman, i am no stranger to radical feminism.  in my younger days, along with other like-minded warriors for women’s rights, i participated in sit-ins, teach-ins, peaceful demonstrations and even random acts of vandalism geared to raise awareness about women’s issues.

still for the life of me, i can’t wrap my mind around this notion that a transgender woman should be loathed and excluded!

why?…simply because, unlike my self and other cis-women, their bodies betrayed them?  the way society and even other women would?…it’s insane!

i am a woman by accident of birth…it just so happened that my body was as female as was my mind!…my daughter, and thousands just like her, was not so fortunate.   her body bore the xy chromosome even while everything else about her screamed ‘girl’.  she had to rebel against her body’s mistake…against the sentence proclaimed at her birth “it’s a boy”.  she was lucky being the daughter of a woman who would believe her when at 3 years of age she revealed to me that she was a girl…she was fortunate that even tho i had been a radical feminist, and a queer woman, i could hear her, that i could really hear what she was telling me.  that she had in me an advocate!

i’ve advocated for transwomen before this…when invited to ‘women’s’ festivals which excluded my transgender sisters i boycotted the events.   i debated my own peers in my own community to try to bring them to an awareness of how oppressive their attitudes and policies were. often to the loss of friends or lovers…and frequently to no avail.

in their defense, these women spoke of ‘invasion’, of male privelege claiming rights within the sovereign realm of the female.  they seemed to believe that transgender women were men wanting to insinuate their penises into the sacred ‘all woman’ spaces.

what can they say to a 3 year old who has always believe herself to be a girl?  who loathes the ‘penis’ that would deny her identity its validity?  is this an example of ‘male privilege’ seeking to poke its member into the sacred realm of the feminine?

it seems wholly unbelievable that in this day and age….this sort of separatism rears its bigoted head among the community of women, by those who would oppress other women, simply because an accident of birth caused them to be born with the wrong parts.  its ironic that it is also an accident of birth that has allowed cis-women into the hallowed halls!

here are some good articles on the subject of terfs and their ridiculous and outdated prejudice!  let’s read them, educate ourselves and spread the light of compassion where such as these would spread hate and bigotry!

Being transgender is not a choice, it is a scientific medical reality.

article 1

much like the Westboro Baptist Church had their insane leader Fred Phelps, the TERFs have a woman by the name Cathy Brennan they tend to cling to in leadership. -

article 2

 


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waiting to exhale

it’s been a whole month since my daughter and i ventured west to california, an annual pilgrimage for us –  not just because we still have a place in the northern mendocino mountains, because these days we kill two birds with one stone, merging this ‘vacation’ ritual with appointments at the UCSF child and adolescent gender clinic.

but this year was special!  this year ziona reached the inevitable  ‘tanner level 2′.  that means that she was ready for the next step in her journey to her true self.

in the months leading up to this visit, ziona had been very distraught over the increasing ‘pop-ups’ of the part of her anatomy that betrays her.  the level of pain this caused her psyche apparent in the renewed threats to simply ‘cut it off’.  all day long that unruly and incorrect member beset her young mind with the constant reminder that things are not as they should be.

now it has been a month since the magickal implant was placed in her arm.  and the difference this has made is amazing.  tho results are individual, the relief of her ‘symptoms’ is already huge!

the first week was horrible! she kept on expecting that she would be free of the erections and the growth of the testes would be immediate.  she accused the implant of being a dud.  she cried every time a ‘stiffie’ raised it ugly head.  she begged me just to bring her back to the clinic and insist that an orchietomy be performed.  her anxiety that nothing would stop the onslaught of male puberty nearly consumed her.

i explained to her that it would take some time for the vantas implant to get into her system and shut down testosterone producation.  and altho i had faith that this was the case,  i found myself as on pins and needles as she seemed to be.  so i held my breath, hoping i would be proved right, the sooner the better.

so here we are now, a month later.  the testes are visibly retreating.  the horrid erections are nearly non-existant any more.  my beautiful daughter is far less anxious about the process and protocols that we are following, far more convinced that we will be able to make sure she doesn’t grow a beard, or develop a deeper voice.

on our way back home we visited with a good friend of mine, one whom i’ve known for eternities i’m sure, one who just happens be transgender.  altho dropping in on her had much more to do with my self wanting to reconnect with Candy after all the years, it served as further evidence that surgical gender transformation would eventually liberate ziona to become fully female as well.  it felt almost like a part of her was reassured in a way that simply telling her how this whole protocol worked could never quite do!

we skinny-dipped in a pond at my friend’s house.  so ziona saw a beautiful transgender woman, who had shed the cocoon of her former self and become who she was always meant to be.  the visage wasn’t wasted on her – she almost seemed to breathe a relieved sigh.

as for me, after feeling as tho i’ve been holding my breath for many months, i can finally rest a bit easier.  we have put one foot in front of the other on the path that is unfolding before us, and i’m no longer suffocating…no longer waiting to exhale!

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