Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…


transgender child and psychic pain

my transgender girl child is so beautiful…so awesome!
i feel so much love for her.
lately, she’s become more and more frustrated with the spare
body parts.

she hates her boy parts…the penis, the balls.
she sits down to pee and can’t stand even to touch herself.
she has me dab the dribbles off of it. altho she’s
happy to finally have girl underpanties, she’s angry when the balls
don’t fit inside of the crotch.

sometimes she hits herself in those parts.
she’s in pain, real psychic pain, about her body ‘down there’.
i will talk to my best trans/woman friend ask how we can
tape it back or something.

it’s strange, but i find the boy genitalia as out of place on her
as she must. it’s incongruous for me these days to see the girl she
most obviously is having a little boy’s genitalia.

i will help her with this, through this,…just as long as i have
breath in my body. but i wish i could take away her pain.
how hard it must be for her to have to wait, wait, wait.
no wonder she’s mad at god!

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womyn lovin’ dykes

we drive your buses
we serve your drinks
you see us every time that you go out
ignorin’ your whispers
we scorn your winks
and you never really know what we’re all about

we smash your egos
damage your pride
by the mere existence of our likes
but we’ll not barter
the lust we feel inside
because you see
we’re proud that we are
womyn lovin’ dykes

we all apall you by the fact that we exist
you get so shook each time you see two womyn kiss
but babies maybe you are hiding a closet fire
or why would you get so damn upset
each time you witness our desire.

your lovely daughters
might be a part of us
you’d never know and it’s much too hard to tell
but i bet my last cigarette
they never will confess
because they’re sure you’d seek a cure
or make their lives pure hell.

we drive your buses
we serve your drinks
we’re everywhere, that’s where we’ll always be
and we’re proud of who we are
what ever others think
we here and queer
but have no fear, you’re not our cup of tea.

we all apall you by the fact that we exist
you get so shook each time you see two womyn kiss
but babies maybe you are hiding a closet fire
or why would you get so damn upset each time you witness our desire?


transgender child and the c.p.s

less than six weeks after allowing zion to live openly as the gender she is inside, someone, with good intent no doubt, called child protective services to report a possible child endangerment.

this is how i imagine the interview with c.p.s.
from the investigator’s point of view.

his mental report

i arrived at the address. the yard was mowed and landscaped. neatly kept.
the respondant answered the door, along with two small dogs whom she admonished
for barking, then retired these to a wire kennel.

the house was clean, orderly. there was art on the walls, even salvadore dali pieces, and next to them, the art of her child, zion.

she greeted me kindly, invited me to sit and have coffee.

an obviously open woman, she didn’t immediately understand that i wanted to speak to her privately and out of hearing of the minor child.

she explained to zion that she and i needed to talk alone for a while and offered to put on a movie so the child would be occupied while we spoke.

for this talk we removed ourselves to a florida room or screened porch to the rear of the home.

she was clothed in a hindu dress and pants outfit, which seemed to compliment the sanskrit tattoos on her face and neck as well as wrists and ankles. she was polite. perfectly open with me, made frequent eye contact as she explained to me the whole of the history behind zion’s gender dysphoria, as well as the reasons for allowingthe minor child to live as female.

zion was wearing a dress and pants too…tho not of hindu style.
she referred to the child with feminine pronouns.

the history of her awareness of zion’s gender identity issues was four years long.
the child is currently seven years of age. this history included informing of the primary physician, and referrals to a geneticist for testing and anendocrinologist for hormone blood tests, as well as following up on the advice of both.

the child is currently seeing a counselor, tho not specifically for gender issues.

the mother has sought out help for her child’s various issues which include autism and juvenile polyposis of the colon. the child sees a speech therapist, occupational therapist and physical therapist for conditions arising from the autism and a brain injury incurred at birth, which resulted in a slight cerebral palsy.

the child is high functioning, seemed intelligent, inquisitive and happy.

the mother reports that great improvements in behaviour and mood ensued upon allowing of her child to live openly as a girl.

the child, came out during the private interview on numerous occasions but seemed

only curious and not distressed. upon ending our conversation i asked to speak to the child alone, and was lead by the child into one of the two rooms that were ‘hers’.

zion was friendly, open and sharing as ‘she’ showed me around her rooms, which held many different sorts of toys,in abundance, including some usually desired by girls.

tho it should be noted that the balance between toys and items that are commonly thought of as belonging to one gender or the other was quite nearly equal.

when the home visit was about to conclude, the mother offered to call me with some of the other phone numbers and information from other professionals involved with zion’s life as soon as she rounded them up.

both she and zion walked me to the front yard to say goodbye.

this is how i imagine the investigator’s mental report was.

as for the actual report made to the child protective services. the investigator
concluded that no child abuse or neglect was present and that
i was “doing everything humanly possible on behalf of her child.”

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bp and the spill that gushed

went to huffington post and got this spill feature that can be used on a website.

it fills the page with swirling oil…

a way to spread the disgust around so that maybe justice will be had by those that are worst affected and
perhaps to enlighten folk a bit about how poorly, greedy industries treat the environment.

just go to

and get your very own…


changing the world

it isn’t the earth shaking, high profile stuff that tends to change the world.

it is the small, yet persistent things.

the little acts of self-definition and self-determination
wrought even by someone as young as a child.

my seven year old has autism.
she thinks differently from the neurotypical children her age.

she was also born with a penis that she knew shouldnt be there.

it took me four years to understand just how much she was trying to define herself on her terms.

so now, much to the discomfort of friends and family members, who knew zion before the dresses, (or should i say when the dresses were part of ‘dress up’ games.)

because of her autism, she also sees therapists: speech therapists, physical therapists and a counselor to help her cope with being neuro-diverse.

no one in their right mind would have called child protective services on me for trying to ensure that her autism needs were all being met, so that she could be all she can be.

but someone did call them when they learned that i was allowing her to transition and actively seeking out persons in the medical and psychological fields to help her to become the person she is.

at present we live in the ‘deep south’.
i was more than a bit worried about how the investigator would respond and what actions c.p.s. would take.

but i had resolved one thing long before she began to be ‘out’ about who she is: that i would fight to the end for her right to become who she is.

it used to be a secret.
now her secret is not a thing she feels she must hide.
it is a reality she declares openly…waiting for the day when she can become

a real girl.

my child has autism and is a transgender girl.
i wouldn’t change that for the world
but you can be sure, that i will do what i can to change the world for her!

so that she can continue to change the world for those who will come after.

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what is a girl?

today my seventy-four year old mother…precious to me as my own life, since she is why i have one, came over for a few minutes after Mass.

she saw the critter container on the table and asked what was inside of it ‘this time’…to which i replied, ‘oh, zion found a black slug’

‘boys!’ she said.

and i reminded her that zion is a girl, and that she appears to be a girl much like the one i was when that age.

not afraid of bugs, or snakes. climbing trees, skinned knees…a tomboy, they called me.

later on in life when i chose woman as lovers more often than men, no one was very surprised.

zion is exactly what a girl that is true to herself can be. the fact that she likes monster movies as much as she likes her hannah montana dolls, takes nothing away from her feminine-ness.

i lusted after my brother’s christmas gifts when they got the hot wheels i wanted, and i got a vanity table or doll. (except poor pitiful pearl! that doll i really wanted!)

zion has told me that she wants to be with women when she is grown and after her surgery to become all girl.

guess she’s a lesbian trapped in a boy’s body…i used to date a woman like that, half my current life-span ago.

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no matter illusion
our vane-ness pretends
of beauty, perhaps to convince us,
we all turn to toads
further on down the road,
never mind that we once were thought princes!

so better to choose
the insane-ness to end
since truth be known, beauty is fallow.
unless there be grace
‘neath the lines time has traced
on our faces, we wade in the shallows.