Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…

transgender child and psychic pain

8 Comments

my transgender girl child is so beautiful…so awesome!
i feel so much love for her.
lately, she’s become more and more frustrated with the spare
body parts.

she hates her boy parts…the penis, the balls.
she sits down to pee and can’t stand even to touch herself.
she has me dab the dribbles off of it. altho she’s
happy to finally have girl underpanties, she’s angry when the balls
don’t fit inside of the crotch.

sometimes she hits herself in those parts.
she’s in pain, real psychic pain, about her body ‘down there’.
i will talk to my best trans/woman friend ask how we can
tape it back or something.

it’s strange, but i find the boy genitalia as out of place on her
as she must. it’s incongruous for me these days to see the girl she
most obviously is having a little boy’s genitalia.

i will help her with this, through this,…just as long as i have
breath in my body. but i wish i could take away her pain.
how hard it must be for her to have to wait, wait, wait.
no wonder she’s mad at god!

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8 thoughts on “transgender child and psychic pain

  1. this is heartbreaking.
    I admire you immensely for the support and unconditional love you give your little girl 🙂
    I wish you both strength.

  2. That’s really awful. I don’t know if it’d be appropriate to tell a kid that, if she grows up and wants surgery, those parts will become the parts she should of been born with, or if that would help. Bodily dysphoria is hard- sometimes being allowed to be who you are helps, but sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do.

    There are a lot of guides to “tucking” online, but I don’t know what (if any) risks there are to it, especially for pre-pubescent kids. I hope you two can find something that helps her.

  3. Hope you’re both ok…

  4. What can I say? Only that I hope you both find your peace, however that may come about

  5. Comming from being a Transgirl myself, you are doing her worlds of good by seeing her as she is early in life. Early in life before the betrayal of the body which is worse yet and sets the stage for a lot of “BAD” things.. Those that transition early in life are often well adjusted, HAPPY, and highly productive in the community.

    There are many of us Tpeople that wish we had a parent like you to help us with what we know is wrong and help us onto the right path, rather than force us down the one which is not best for us. One that leads to life changing mistakes, monumental regretts, and possibly death.

    Liz

  6. Wow. I am late to the party here 🙂 I just found your wonderful blog after reading your comment on Jens blog.

    I have gone through the same things with my daughter over time. She is a few years older than your lil girl and I remember the first awareness she had that the thing between her legs was not what other girls have. From that moment on her hatred of her penis and testes was immense. I felt very strange going on line to find information on tucking and stranger yet working with my daughter to learn how to do it. We also gave ” the penis ” a feminine name s if ” she ” is a separate entity. But it seemed to work and she came to terms that ” she ” was going to be around until 18.

    Our next crisis came during sex ed and my daughter learning what the testes do and about hormones and what they do to a body. This mortified her. I assured her and showed her articles that she would be able to take testosterone blockers and that her body would not be harmed by the testosterone. That is a couple years off though but no matter. Each day she would freak out seeing some change that was not there. I finally got some sugar pills and told her they were blockers. I hate to be dishonest but I honestly thought this was going to drive her crazy.

    And now she also understands when she can start female hormones, what they will do to her body and when she can have the reassignment surgery and that part of that penis does have value for when that happens. And so for now we seem to have an uneasy truce with Ms. penis. Although like you see my beautiful ponytailed child with a penis even for me sometimes is just difficult to to come to terms with. it just doesnt seem real.

    Good luck to you and your daughter!

    Melissa

  7. Wow. I can’t imagine her pain. Even having a transgender friend is far from being there myself.

    My friend is genetically XY but was born with ambiguous genitalia. His mom insisted (over her dad’s objections) on surgery to make him look like a girl and proceeded to raise him as such – hormones, the whole 9 yards.

    The whole time he was growing up, he knew he was a boy but was under so much pressure to hide the fact that he became depressed and prone to self-injury and even considered suicide more than once. He absolutely hates his mother for putting him through it all.

    When I first met him 5 or 6 years ago he was still using his female name and I figured OK, she’s a hardcore butch, no big deal. It wasn’t until he moved in down the hall from me a few months ago that he started opening up about his life. At 34, he’s started the process of changing back into the man he knows he is. He’s on the testosterone patch and hopes to have reconstructive surgery sometime in the next few years, and he’s taken his dad’s first name in memory of the close relationship they had while his dad was alive. He’s excited and much, much happer with himself now that he’s on the way – and we’re excited for him.

    Your Ziona is incredibly fortunate to have such a loving and supportive mom and to live in a time when it’s possible to change her body to match her real self without having to go through all the societal BS my friend has had to endure. (((((HUGGZ))))) to you both!

    Mad =^..^=
    Twitter @madlolscientist

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