Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…

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so i pray

my head is reeling.
events of the past few days
taking an emotional toll on the world.
people dying in revolutions
at the hands of true monsters.
earthquakes and tsunamis,
nuclear nightmares
in japan.
even in sleep,
dreams darken the night
with so much of doom.
the pain of others is always
much harder to bear.
my heart is crying out
to whatsoever god there is
for respite, for a stay
of catastrophies and atrocities!
that people might have peace
not fear and alarm.
that children might play
without danger and tears of loss
dampening their faces.
a slow news day
would be such a welcome change.
yet i can’t turn away
in deliberate ignorance of
the suffering.
the horror.
so i pray in every moment.
while i clean the house i am lucky to own.
while i prepare the meals my daughter and i
are fortunate to be able to enjoy.
while i go about the day doing
the normal things of life,
i pray for those souls
robbed of any semblance of

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a bad dream

about twenty years ago, i had a dream.
well, a nightmare really.
in it, an event had happened on the other side
of the world. a tragedy, but dangerous.
none of the governments, none of the news stations
were telling the truth. we were all kept
in the dark.
the tone of the dream was one most ominous.
as tho the very future of the world
hung in the balance.

when i woke up, i couldn’t shake the feeling
of impending doom.

later that day, i went to a bookstore
in downtown san francisco, near polk street i think,
to pick up a book for a man i knew, who was dying.
it was a book by lobsang rampa, a favorite of his.

while shopping in the aisles i heard a woman talking
at the checkout about a dream she’d had.
inching closer, trying not to appear too obvious,
i eavesdropped on the conversation. but i had to draw
closer. because i couldn’t believe what i was hearing.
everything she described in her dream of the night
was precisely the same as the events of my dream!

i looked at her and she seemed friendly enough,
despite my slack-jawed amazement.
i told her that i had had the same dream, that night,
and even finished some of her sentences as she
described what happened in hers.

today i find myself hoping that what is happening in japan,
half the world away, is not that dreaded dreamed of event.
i wonder if that woman from the bookstore is thinking back
to that incident, as i am.

for me, it wasn’t the first nor was it the last time
that something i’ve dreamed has come to pass.
since i was very young there have been perhaps ten
of these dreams that come true.
i even dreamed about the space shuttle disaster
that took the life of the teacher and others.
i saw it two weeks before it happened.
i dreamed of it again a few days later.
so disturbed was i that it occurred to me to call NASA.
but i was sure they’d only think i was insane.

i dreamed the death of my father, an unexpected event,
from more than two-thousand miles away.

today i was a bit relieved when the news, government agencies
and such began to give a more realistic picture of what
was obviously going on at the nuclear plants in japan.
because in the dream, everything was kept hush hush.

but it is still scary. all this stuff. and i am still frightened.

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encouraged by their courage

it is amazing how the internet can link up people otherwise separated by space and time.
the other day, while looking for resources for my daughter, i stumbled across a site that
was a forum for neuro-diverse and gender-diverse young women.

of course, this was a perfect place to find, given that besides being a girl in a body that society says is male, my daughter also falls along the autism spectrum.

i weary of finding sites that seek to ‘cure’ my daughter. or even offer ‘treatments’ for
autism. i really dislike sites that come up when searching for transgender children that seek to convince the parents that there is something ‘wrong’ with their child.

so it was a delight to have found a forum wherein young women were speaking their minds on their unique being.

these awesome young people were happy to share with me their experiences of being
neuro-diverse and were very happy to learn that there are parents “my age” (i’m 55) who
were ‘cool’ enough and caring enough to seek advise and insights from those who know
first hand what it is like to be gender-variant.

all of them encouraged me in continued support of my daughter, by every means possible. their stories of courage in the face of little understanding and a lack of support from family and society touched me deeply! how strong these young women are! (most were in their teens)

many of them told me that they could totally relate to the early knowledge ziona had about her gender being other than what the world would acknowledge…3 or 4 years of age seemed not uncommon. some of them even shared ziona’s initial belief, that the
‘boy part’ (their words) would just fall off someday. children are so good at magickal thinking!

most of them seemed to think that being neuro-diverse as well perhaps made it easier for them to ignore social constraints placed upon their gender expression. it was something i had wondered about with regard to ziona because she seems far less concerned about society’s notions about her gender. and far more upset that her body has betrayed her.

this too, was not an uncommon feeling among many of the young women who shared with me.

i have a sweatshirt i bought to support an autism site online that says, in big letters across the front “don’t change them for the world, change the world for them”
i believe this with all my heart! i love my daughter and wouldn’t change her for the world.
but i will do all in my power to change the world for her!

the courage of these young people with whom i shared my hopes for my daughter, (and my fears for her as well) was most encouraging! they are changing the world for ziona too! by just being who they are. and they are helping others to change the world as well,
through their open-ness and sharing their unique perspective!

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one day on twitter

life is funny sometimes

i am compelled to write this blog after a kind of nasty interchange between myself and some women who are like my daughter.

the gist of the conversation on twitter was much like one that a follower of mine and ihad been having. that being about the whole ‘transgender’ thing.

this first woman,(we follow each other) had tweeted once that she considered herself just a woman…that the only thing trans about it was that other people couldn’t see her as who she is.

i told her that my daughter felt the same way…she was born a girl, no trans anything.

then today, there was a similar exchange that asked for people who could grasp this notion, this ‘we are women’ concept to retweet.

on behalf of ziona, i did so. saying “my daughter is all girl too,
despite the ‘spare parts’.

suddenly and almost before i had read the next tweet from folk i follow the frantic buzz of an @ mention rang out. some very angry women called me a perv for my tweet, referred to me as a cis woman as tho that were a disparaging remark.

four or five more of these very nasty @ mentions came even before i had answered the first.

what was obvious is that these women had most been offended by my mentioning of the ‘spare part’.

i tweeted back that my daughter used that same word in describing herself as, not transgender, (a word that she doesn’t relate to) but as a girl with a spare part.

a few more answers on my part to the @ mentions, and one or two of the women realised, that i’m not the enemy…maybe they even realised that i am an ally.

but what none of them knew, and what i wasn’t about to share after the attacks garnered was how painful it is for her, to know she is a girl, but feel that one of her body parts is more of an ugly birth defect, that it makes her a freak.

never mind that i have done all i can to try to help her to understand that what’s between her legs doesn’t make her a freak, doesn’t make her less of a girl.

none of this matters to her. she doesn’t want ‘that part’ on her body. as many who have read my blog know.

what these women couldn’t have known is that at three years old, when ziona learned that she wouldn’t change into a girl and then the ‘part’ would fall off, i had to hide anything sharp from her…which i did anyway since she was a child, (didn’t stop her trying to cut off the penis with a pair of plastic scissors from a play doctor kit).
on more than one occasion i walked in on her trying to rid herself of the thing.

she hated it! she begged me to cut it off for her. she cursed god and said god had made a big mistake. that she wished she could die so god could try again and get it right. (god to ziona has always been a she. tho i don’t push it either way)

what these women couldn’t possibly have known was that the only way to console her was to tell her that there were doctors that could help her to grow up to be what she calls “a real girl” meaning ridding her of the spare part.

what these women didn’t understand also, was that since we have been in agreement that she is a girl and insist that others recognise her as one, the penis, (her word)isn’t a shameful secret to her anymore, even tho it is something she knows must one day be off.

..she understands that she is a girl with a spare part. she is not
ashamed of it anymore…just so long as she is sure that its presence is very temporary!

what these women also couldn’t have known is that i have had lovers who were not born with female bodies, that i have friends who have had their male bodies altered to match their gender, that i have been queer since i was fifteen, and so
that means for 40 years i have had to deal with exclusion and judgementalism.

what they couldn’t have known is that as a member of the queer community, (i’m bi) i have stood up for women like them within the ranks of the gay community. when ‘all womyn’s’ gatherings didn’t want to allow women who weren’t born with female bodies, i boycotted them.

so i answered their @ mentions, without anger, altho i think some of them were angry. as always at such times, my spiritual discipline kicks in and my curious nature.

i began to wonder
about these beautiful strong women.
what was their childhood like. what kinds of
bias and judgement had they lived through
and still somehow come out shining like the stars
that they obviously are,
full of positive esteem for themselves in a world that doesn’t
grant them that.

the obvious didn’t have to be mentioned.
i can no more help being born cis, than they can help having been born female, in bodies that society says aren’t.

i am so desperately thankful to these strong women.
these ones who are going before
and paving the way for children like my daughter.

i only hope that in her future,
ziona will not be judged by those
who know that what sort of body they have doesn’t
determine gender,
because for her, it matters!