Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…



it isn’t easy raising children. but it’s worth it!

still, no matter how you try to urge them in a certain
direction, hopeful of sparing them pain or helping to show
them an easier way to their dreams, in the end the path they
choose must be as much their own as are their dreams.

zeeona has dreams of being in the proper body one day, of
meeting a nice woman and adopting children together, of
having a store wherein she sells crafts and art made from
nature, of visiting far away places, like china and india,
of building and living in a treehouse.

so many dreams!

and altho i can bring her to far away places and see to it
that she gets the hormones and surgery she’ll need in order
to have her body conform to her true self, all of the rest
she will do or not do on her own.

we have come a long way together since the day i first held
that little 4 pound 7 ounce body in my hands. further still
from the day when at 3 1/2 years old she told me that god
and everyone had gotten it all wrong. that she is a girl.

but the furthest by far that we have come together on the
shared part of our individual paths, is when we agreed that
she is indeed a girl, and should be allowed to live as one.

on that day i promised her to do everything just right as
far as making sure that her biggest dream, at least for now,
of having the body that matches who she is would come to be.

she is only eight years old now, so it is still a few years
before she’ll need to take the testosterone blockers and
cross hormones. another eight years before she can
reasonably and safely have the surgery she wishes she could
have tomorrow. but i think about my promise to her everyday.

the amount of time i’ve spent online researching on her
behalf is indeterminable and wont cease. from finding
clinics and doctors to help with her transitioning through
puberty as a girl, to hospitals from netherlands, to denmark
to thailand wherein the final procedure can be performed.

altho there is not alot to do to make that first promise
come true at this moment. there is the daily recognition of
her as the girl she is, demanding others recognize it as
well, and treat her accordingly (my mom has even recently
dropped the male pronoun when referring to her) and there is
advocating for her and others like her.

the latter duty includes letters to senators, signing
petitions, attending demonstrations and such activism
oriented things. but for she and i, it also includes not
keeping who she is a secret while at the same time not
making a big deal of it all.

it really shouldn’t be a big deal! it happens! people are
born with a body that doesn’t reflect their reality. the
xenophobia that engenders so much judgement and fear
surrounding transgender issues can never be conquered by
secrecy. hiding seems to equal shame to some even tho far
too often in the case of transgender and gay people hiding
has meant safety, a way to survive an unjust, ignorant and
unforgiving society.

and therein is the tightrope of being open about who you are
when who you are is different. this is something i
definitely know a little about, having been queer for as
long as i can remember.

this dream isn’t among the ones my daughter has spoken of,
but it is my most precious one: that the world learn to love
and accept everyone! not despite our different-ness, but
because of it. that our society would come to cherish all of
it’s various members.

how i wish there were a switch i could flip to turn on
compassion in those that lack it greatly for those who need
it most! to somehow raise their consciousness to a higher level.

it wouldn’t make raising children any easier, but i wish it
all the same.


2 thoughts on “tightrope

  1. Wow, just wanted to comment that you are an amazing mother. Your daughter is very lucky and I am sure she is going to get through this fine with all the support you have been giving her!

    Wish everyone had your attitude towards TG individuals.

    • thanks…
      i too wish that folk had less of judgment and fear…and hope i can shield her from much of the ignorance of others.
      btw. i have tg friends and have dated some women who were tg. so i came from a better place in receiving my daughter’s truth than many do.

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