Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…

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tears for fears

if only i could, i would cry.

a sick child can do that,bring tears to the eyes, especially when the sickness is cancer.

my sister’s grand-daughter has been diagnosed with wilm’s tumor. it is a cancer on the kidney that affects the very young.

the exploratory surgery discovered a football sized tumor which will have to be shrunk down before it can be removed.

that means chemo-therapy. poisoning the young girl’s body in order to target the malignant cells.

chemo is a messy business even for adults. i can’t imagine what it might be like for a child.

six months of chemo before the cancer can be safely removed.
six months of worried mom and grandmother, six months of sick child, the other side of which is major surgery.

if only i could, i would cry.

my daughter has juvenile polyposis syndrome.
as of yet none of the growths have been malignant.
but the frequency with which her colon grows new ones, the fact that they extend throughout the length of the entire colon, the large number of polyps that have already had to be removed, …well, i doesn’t bode well.

every year she must go in and have a colonoscopy. every year there are new growths to remove and send to pathology, and every year i hold my breath hoping that the growths removed will be harmless and not cancer.

the longer her colon produces these polyps, the higher the probability of cancer, of a need to remove her colon.

i almost wish it was not such a waiting game.
i almost wish there was something to take out of her, to be done with it once and for all.

i wish that there was a magic pill we could give her that would stop her body from making the growths in the first place.

this year she will have to have a camera placed while she’s undergoing the gastric endoscopy. a tiny camera that will travel through her entire digestive track, from stomach to anus, making a record of any abnormalities in the areas that scoping either end can’t reveal.

i think alot about my sister’s grand-daughter.
about the path that they will traverse in the next year in order to cure the cancer.

if i only could, i would cry.

it’s not just the fact of my sjogren’s syndrome that prevents me crying. altho it is true that i can’t make tears.

rather i feel that someday, zeeona and i might well be traversing a similar path. with not so shiny a prognosis as that for wilm’s tumor. part of me feels i need to save crying for then.

for some reason i feel almost jealous of them,
even tho it will be a private hell for the little girl and her family. their doctor has already assured them that a year from now, it will be as tho nothing ever happened.

zeeona’s gastro-enterologist has promised us no such thing.

cancer is an ugly thing in anybody.
in a child it is even more repugnant and vile.
my sister and her lovely young grand-daughter will be in my thoughts.

and if only i could, i would cry.

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good for us

so cher’s son is gonna be a contestant on dancing with the stars. good for him!

some of the entirely unenlightened comments on various blogs and on twitter have roused the anger of his famous mom, who has risen up like a mother bear and defended him.
good for her!

good for all of us, when someone who is transgender is courageous and strong enough not to hide who they are! when they are willing to put them selves out in the public eye, telling their story, sharing their truth.

last night there was a special on nightline abc about transgender kids. in the promos words like ‘pioneering’ were used to describe a generation of children being allowed to not only live as the gender with which they identify, but being supported by parents and care-givers, and pursuing hormone therapies and surgeries as well as name and gender changes on birth certificates.
good for them.

and good for all of us that the media is helping to open the way for conversations to occur, for awareness to be raised. it is just such coverage that can grant legitimacy to the subject.

when zeeona was three and a half, she told me she shouldn’t have a boy’s body. six months later on my birthday in april, abc, (again) ran a 20/20 episode hosted by barbara walters about transgender children. it was this program that helped me to start researching the reality that zeeona was describing.

the path taken since the day i accepted what she so desperately pleaded me to believe, has been indeed the ‘road less travelled’.

i have become knowledgable about things i never thought i’d need to know, and have learned to be an advocate, to be strong. zeeona only knows that her secret is no longer a secret. everyone knows she is a girl. and she knows she can trust me to make sure she is never anything else.

altho we both look forward to the day when the hormone therapy and surgery will ‘seal her fate’, i am alone in the knowledge that, no matter how ‘good’ it is for a person to live without hidden things or shame, there will always be some people who don’t even try to understand, some who will hate her for who she is, some that might even harm her.

and while high-profile people seem to have less to fear from close-minded folk, there are dangers, for them and especially for the everyday ordinary transgender woman.

transgender women are beaten, killed, discriminated against for employment, housing, and even in the lgbt community that has tacked their initial to the end of the acronym, there are disparaties.

so of course, as a parent, i will advocate for her. but i will also fear. i will smooth the way for her even as she, and others like her, pioneer a future of awareness and acceptance of transgender people.
good for us.

good for society, because at some point as humanity evolves to the next level, xenophobia, ignorance and hatred must be transcended. a homogenous populace numbly following the dominant paradigm does little to advance humankind.

so good for all variants and those who deviate from the norm, unapologetic and sincere. long may they enrich an otherwise drab world. long may they fly.