Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…

tears for fears

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if only i could, i would cry.

a sick child can do that,bring tears to the eyes, especially when the sickness is cancer.

my sister’s grand-daughter has been diagnosed with wilm’s tumor. it is a cancer on the kidney that affects the very young.

the exploratory surgery discovered a football sized tumor which will have to be shrunk down before it can be removed.

that means chemo-therapy. poisoning the young girl’s body in order to target the malignant cells.

chemo is a messy business even for adults. i can’t imagine what it might be like for a child.

six months of chemo before the cancer can be safely removed.
six months of worried mom and grandmother, six months of sick child, the other side of which is major surgery.

if only i could, i would cry.

my daughter has juvenile polyposis syndrome.
as of yet none of the growths have been malignant.
but the frequency with which her colon grows new ones, the fact that they extend throughout the length of the entire colon, the large number of polyps that have already had to be removed, …well, i doesn’t bode well.

every year she must go in and have a colonoscopy. every year there are new growths to remove and send to pathology, and every year i hold my breath hoping that the growths removed will be harmless and not cancer.

the longer her colon produces these polyps, the higher the probability of cancer, of a need to remove her colon.

i almost wish it was not such a waiting game.
i almost wish there was something to take out of her, to be done with it once and for all.

i wish that there was a magic pill we could give her that would stop her body from making the growths in the first place.

this year she will have to have a camera placed while she’s undergoing the gastric endoscopy. a tiny camera that will travel through her entire digestive track, from stomach to anus, making a record of any abnormalities in the areas that scoping either end can’t reveal.

i think alot about my sister’s grand-daughter.
about the path that they will traverse in the next year in order to cure the cancer.

if i only could, i would cry.

it’s not just the fact of my sjogren’s syndrome that prevents me crying. altho it is true that i can’t make tears.

rather i feel that someday, zeeona and i might well be traversing a similar path. with not so shiny a prognosis as that for wilm’s tumor. part of me feels i need to save crying for then.

for some reason i feel almost jealous of them,
even tho it will be a private hell for the little girl and her family. their doctor has already assured them that a year from now, it will be as tho nothing ever happened.

zeeona’s gastro-enterologist has promised us no such thing.

cancer is an ugly thing in anybody.
in a child it is even more repugnant and vile.
my sister and her lovely young grand-daughter will be in my thoughts.

and if only i could, i would cry.


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