i love being a mom.
that said, i admit that part of the fascination
owes to the child-like air that caring for my kids
manages to instill in me.
for example, zeeona loves to be tickled before bed, then ride my back while i assume a pony pose, all the way to her bedroom.
what an awesome way to end each day!
at eight years old she is full of questions, some to which i don’t have the answers. so i am forced to admit that (humility) and follow up by finding the answers. (thank heaven for the internet)
one day as she approaches her teen years, tickle fights before bed will seem beneath her. and rides on my back will become to much physically for me to accomplish. (or not! i’m pretty fit for a woman kicking sixty in the rear)
one day the questions will trickle in more slowly as she grows to be a young woman who prefers to keep secrets and find her own way.
i will miss these days in that time when child-like play surrenders to trying on her grown-up wings.
but unlike with my older daughters, who have already made me a grandmother many times over by now, zeeona will need a bit more help in making it through the dreaded puberty stage.
unlike them, zee will need to have cross hormones, and other such things as will help her body to transition in alignment to her mind.
she will need to speak to therapists (she already has one, but not a specialist in transgender issues. just try finding one of those here in the deep south)
she will have to travel to california for the surgery necessary to change her body even more than the hormones and subsequent puberty will.
all of these kinds of things will make mommy necessary for longer than i was to the neuro-typical cis-gender daughters i raised before her.
my other daughters had need of a natural to most disassociative phase, in which they differentiated their selves from the like-gendered (and only) parent. i had taken enough psych courses in college to allow me to understand that needful part of their developing into persons that were ‘other than’ me.
but i think with zeeona that particular strain on the mother-daughter relationship might not have to be. she will have been struggling with identity for many years by the time she hits sweet sixteen.
she will, by dint of being a transgender person, already have a distinct point of departure from the ‘same-gender’ parent.
at least, that is what i hope.
there will likely be no more little ones for me to raise after her. no inspiration on a daily basis to be child-like and full of the wonder that seeing things through the eyes of a child can impart.
i hope i’ll be able to let go. to allow her to soar like an eagle, not tethered to me like a kite.
and so long as she understands that she can always count on me to be there for her, just the way that i am now, it wont be as hard to watch her venture out on her own.
of course, since she is transgender, i will always be worried about how the world treats her. and that is something with which i didn’t feel a need for concern with my other allegedly ‘normal’ daughters.
i love being a mom!
it would take more than a thousand books to convey a sense of the many ways in which that role has enriched my days.
and when i can no longer fill that position, a little something of heaven will be lost to me…for a time.