Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…

i almost wish i cared

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yesterday, while speaking to my mom, she disclosed to me that one of my sisters who hasn’t been speaking to me for the past few years would like to be able to sit down and talk with me. my mom thought this was great progress. then she disclosed to me that the reason patsy hadn’t been able to tolerate my presence wasn’t that i had called children’s protect services about the boyfriend who had been abusing her grandchildren. but because she wasn’t ‘comfortable’ with the way i am raising zeeona.

i’ve known for quite some time that it was patsy, my own sister, who had sent child protective services to my house. one of the two calls that they’d been sent to investigate concerning my support of zeeona’s right to be the girl she is inside.

i didn’t hold it against patsy, even tho my brother thom, who revealed this to me mistakenly thinking that i already knew, believed that she did it as a way to get back at me for turning in the abusive boyfriend, (a guy who is currently serving time for endangering those same grandchildren…not because of my phone call or the investigation by child protective services, but because he kidnapped them from daycare and informed their mother, patsy’s daughter, that he wouldn’t bring them back until he got $500 dollars.)

i was quite surprised that it was the offense of supporting zee that was behind patsy’s attitude toward me. but i told my mom that i would be happy to get together and talk with her. maybe educating her about transgender issues would make her less uncomfortable with our decisions.

imagine my surprise when my mom, who this year finally bought ‘girl’ appropriate toys and clothes for zeeona, countered that suggestion saying that she was herself still unaccepting of transgender issues, even after having learned more about them from me. that no matter how much information i can bring to her she doesn’t think she’ll ever be ‘comfortable’ with zeeona living as a girl.

well, excuuuuuuuuuuuse me!

i almost wish i cared!

i almost wish i cared that they are so uncomfortable with my decision to alleviate the pain my child had been in, with my having educated myself so that i could understand what she was going through. with the fact that i care enough about her and love her enough to do what i can to spare her years of future pain and frustration by believing her and supporting her today!

my mother is fully aware of the fact that when zee first told me that she was really a girl, that i was alarmed and concerned. that i took her to an endocrinologist to see if maybe an imbalance of hormones could be to blame. that i’d had the pediatrician schedule an ultrasound of zee’s abdomen to see if she had ovaries too, was intersex. she knows that i tried convincing zee that she could still play with ‘girl’ things and dress however she wanted, even if society says boys can’t do these things. my mother knows that zeeona was so upset upon learning that the spare parts wouldn’t just ‘fall off’ one day that she tried to eliminate them herself, that she begged me to do it for her, that she’d cursed god for the mistake and expressed suicidal intents as a means to be ‘born again in the right body’. my mother knows all of this. she also knows that it took me three years to really hear what zeeona was saying and allow her to live as the girl she is.

yet, despite this…despite all the information i’ve shared with her in trying to help her accept us, she’s still uncomfortable!
and fully understands why my sister can’t bear even to inhabit the same space as us!

they’re uncomfortable?

zeeona is wearing a body that is the wrong one, she will have to undergo surgeries to become who she is, take hormones the rest of her life. she will be more likely than almost any other group to be assaulted, prejudiced against, discriminated against and in general relegated to the periphery of society. jobs, housing, even just a loving relationship with someone will all come harder to her because of how ‘uncomfortable’ people are with transgender people.

i tried pointing all this out to my mom. but she just said that no matter what i say, no matter what science, doctors or even oprah might say about it, she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to accept this. to which i say, “yes, but you’re not even able to accept that i like to sleep with women”

“that’s right” she said…in a tone that let me know that the only way she could overlook this fault in me was by not having to think about it. so shut up.

but how can she not think about the fact that zeeona is transgender when she sees her in dresses, with her beautiful long brown hair trailing behind her as she runs and plays. how can she not think about it when i keep insisting on the female pronoun those times when she uses ‘he’ to refer to my daughter.

so, yesterday i found out that i’m not really ‘acceptable’ either…just easier to take because there’s at present no “girlfriend” in my life to make it clear who i am.

well, i will probably still try to educate and inform those close to me, and even the larger world outside the family. but as to whether or not they’re ‘comfortable’?

i almost wish i cared!


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