Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…


letting go

within the space of about ten days so much has changed. i must admit, my head is actually reeling!

first we had the news that ziona has gotten to the tanner level where the time is now to start puberty blockers. at just nine years old, and her third year living ‘outloud’ as the girl she’s always been, we are going to begin her long journey forward to make her body fall in line with her brain.

and today, she actually ‘gave up’ her old swingset and playhouse from the backyard. usually, she hangs onto things forever! really! she still has the first ever stuffed toy she got at one day old when i went to retrieve her from the hospital. there’s a box in the closet full of thomas the train tracks and such that is next to go.

it is nice that she is finally able to let go of these things. in a way, she will have lots of stuff to let go of in the months and years to come. but i feel a bit of sadness at all this letting go.

she is saying goodbye to her childhood these days. and so am i… it rather reminds me of when i finally let go of the son i thought i had been raising and accepted the daughter who had been there all along.

generally i like the whole process of ‘letting go’. i have been through alot of it myself throughout life. i have let go of lovers who’ve moved on. of children once they’ve flown the nest. of friends and family who have died. and as much as such letting go can be fraught with little sorrows, it is also full of new tomorrows.

so today the backyard no longer looks like a playground. now she and i are busy planning a garden for the space where the swingset was and a swimming pool where once the playhouse stood. of course, most of the hard work on these new projects will have to wait until we’ve returned from our annual cross-country road trip and pilgrimage to our california house. but that’s okay.

letting go is a way of moving forward after all, and it is something at which ziona and i are quite adept.

so, today we said goodbye to a part of her childhood that she had outgrown. and in a few years she will say goodbye to the body that has never suited her. through it all i feel like a hitch-hiker along for the ride of my life!


happy birthday

i’m not one to allow a big thing to be made of my own birthday.
in fact, years past while living with my eldest daughter’s father, when he’d invite all of our (his) friends for a party using my birthday as an excuse, i used the occasion to gift the revelers instead.

“but it’s your birthday, not mine” they’d say.
“yeah, but my memory’s horrid. i might forget yours when it comes around, so happy birthday!” i’d answer.

so it was that friday night when ziona and i went to my mom’s for a birthday gathering she had initiated, i brought mom an electric griddle for her birthday (upcoming) and my sister some specialty coffees for her cappacino machine.

but the most fun thing about this celebration was the kids.

ziona’s cousins lexi and mikey, (i used to care for them while their mother worked), were there. it is always so much fun to hear the ring of children’s laughter. and they all like me alot because i’m so childish. chasing them pretending to be a tickle monster, turning them upside-down and swinging them about. all great fun. and ziona plays so well with them, perhaps because they used to spend 8 to 10 hours a day at our house, 7 days a week for a couple of years. but maybe not because of that.

ziona spent more than two years, from the time she was 9 months old until a month after her 3rd birthday, in a special toddler program for kids with autism. in all her time there, the closest she’d ever come to interaction was a sort of mirrored ‘parallel play’. a common thing with many autistic kids is the lack of direct interaction. so i was thrilled when we moved here to florida, and at their very first meeting, ziona took to lexi like a long lost friend.

there came a time, tho, when lexi totally betrayed ziona and joined some mean kids in the play area at a chic-fil-a in teasing her on the occasion of her first time out of the house in a dress.

ziona’s hair was very short due to an attempt she’d made at cutting some bangs (to look more girl-like) and so i’d had to cut it to try to even it out. she was very sad and self-conscious of having such a short hairdo so i’d cut mine just as short. it was actually much cooler for us with the summer heat here in the south.

but some of the kids had started to taunt her for being ‘a boy in a dress’ and lexi is a bit of a follower, so instead of standing up for her cousin and friend, she joined the crowd of bullies. of course, ziona didn’t pick up on the fact that the kids were teasing her, until lexi started saying stuff like “yeah, he even plays with barbies” a fact she only knew because they played with them together and she and her mom had even bought her some of them for christmas.

of course i was in the play area with the kids, as every parent is supposed to be when their child goes in there.(i was the only one, as usual) just as ziona had realised that her cousin, her friend lexi was teasing her she looked over to see me gesturing her to ‘come out and eat our food now’. the expression on her face was hurt and confusion.

as she came over to me one of the kids exiting the play area behind us said, “oooh, look! a boy in a dress!”

i spun around and faced the child and said. “what did you say? this is my daughter! i have short hair too. am i a boy in a dress?” the child’s mother admonished her child saying “that’s a girl. now shut up and come over here and eat.”

the relationship between lexi and ziona took well over a year to heal. it was hard for ziona to understand lexi’s behaviour. i explained again and again how some people just aren’t strong enough not to follow the pack, so to speak.

eventually, she forgave her cousin. and they began to have play dates again. my mom did her best to help lexi understand about ziona. why it is she is who she is. no small feat since my mom has told me that she herself doesn’t quite understand it. still, both lexi and my mom have used the female pronoun in referring to ziona. and the unhappy incident at chic-fil-a is a thing of the past.

watching them play together at my birthday party was perhaps the best gift i’d received. when they decided to put on a ‘show’, as lexi likes to do, lexi went out of her way NOT to cast ziona as the daddy, (there was a skit about a family involved) and instead they were the mommy, the transgender mommy and the baby. it was adorable!

as birthdays go this one was right up there as one of the most special i’ve had in recent memory.

so i came home afterward,put ziona to bed, then put on my laurie anderson mp3 that has the song that says “you were born, so you’re free, so happy birthday” and danced around my living room like a crazy person.


nowhere safe

just think.
wouldn’t it be nice if our neuro-diverse, gender variant children had a safe environment in which they could receive the education everyone must have in order to get along in our complex world?
it’s a simple wish…you’d think that at least the educators who are given the responsibility of caring for these children would be up to the task of ensuring our ‘special’ children aren’t bullied by classmates.
but sadly, not only do some teachers not bother to weed out the predatory behaviour of their students, but engage in terrorising the children they are charged with teaching!

this is why i homeschool. read here and weep for our doomed culture, especially since i could fill this blog with literally hundreds of examples as bad or worse than this from various news articles from just the past two years!


time to act

today was ziona’s yearly ‘check-up’ at her primary care physician’s office. she needs to start a diet and exercise program as she is a bit on the chunky side, we learned. (not like i didn’t notice the baby fat belly). but we also had her testicles checked for development as is necessary to ascertain the dreaded tanner level, the physiological proof of testosterone beginning to rise with peri-pubescence.

we are there. and just to make it all the more fun, her testes have somehow become ascended and lodged up inside.

so now there will be ultrasounds to determine if some procedure will be necessary to deal with this unnatural ‘lodging’. and we’ll have to begin the testosterone blockers to prevent any further release of the hormone into her body, thus preventing the male features which she so fears we wont catch in time.

i’m on it!

a strange surge of adrenaline has been coursing through me since we left the pediatrician’s office. i’m revved up and raring to go. it is time to act!

in a way it is a relief not to have to wait any longer. we have caught it in the nick of time, and we know what happens next. i’ve been through it all in my mind, the cost of the testosterone-blocking injections, trying to get medicaid florida to pay, preparing to suck up the cost myself when they don’t. no more waiting! her journey has begun a new phase.

for ziona, the first phase was realisation that her body had betrayed her. the second phase was living as a girl, being accepted as and referred to as a girl. now. the third phase is the preventing the body from betraying her further; intervention.

she is anxious for the surgery that will remove the part she knows doesn’t belong on her body, but there will be a couple of phases between here and there. in a couple of years, phase 4 will ensue with the cross-hormones that will initiate her puberty as a female and all the body changes that will bring. then as soon as she turns 15 we will begin preparations for the sex-reassignment surgery she’ll get at age 16, probably done in thailand. vacation time!

we both know how hard she will have to struggle to be the girl she is. these necessary first steps and the painful surgery that will remove the last vestige of the y chromosomes betrayal. no doubt we’ll stay in thailand for a full month to ensure a full recovery before returning home to the U.S. (if we even decide to return)

somehow, the journey has begun in earnest now. altho, for her, it began long ago. i feel like we stand on the precipice of a dream-come-true. ready to leap.

and neither of us has the sense to be afraid.

1 Comment

discriminating tastes

today i signed an online petition, the simple purpose of which was to state that transgender lesbian’s attempts to be appealing to cis-gender lesbians is not rape.

seems like this should go without saying, since rape is forcing someone into acts of sex and merely trying to have one’s identity accepted by others in the hope of not being rejected as a lover on the sole basis of one’s self-definition is non-violent.

as a cis-gender bi-sexual woman and part of the lgbt community for about 40 years i am well aware of the discrimination that is perpetrated against the b and t persons allegedly included in that acronym. i have been rejected as a lover simply because i am able to love a man sexually. never mind that my primary sexual attraction is for women, the fact that if i love a man it could include sex makes me persona non-grata with many women within the gay community. never mind that i have only truly loved a few men and have had sex with many women, some of whom i didn’t even love, out of sheer preference and attraction to the female form. never mind that i have never made a practice of having a man and a woman as lovers at the same time much less in the same bed.

i have been less than included by some lesbians, outright rejected by others, as tho i have cooties. i have been accused of ‘riding the fence’, of not being ‘committed’ to women, of being weak for not choosing ‘one side or the other’.

i have fought for the inclusion of our transgender sisters in ‘all woman’ events, such as the ‘michigan womyn’s festival’ which is notorious for excluding any but ‘womyn-born womyn’. i have heatedly debated these more ‘discriminating’ women about what it really means to be a woman.

is it really all about the external form? what’s between the thighs? isn’t that what the patriarchal culture’s paradigm has used to define us? can we not see beyond this?

is it really about the approximately 50/50 chance of landing an XX chromosomal arrangement? an arrangement which only defines the external form and ability to reproduce, by the way. again, isn’t this simply buying into the male-dominated culture’s definitions?

by the time my daughter is out on her own at 20 or 21 years of age, she will have been living as a woman for a longer period of time than most lesbians her age will have known that they are lesbians. she will have been living as a girl for 15 years by then, and will have had the surgery to align her external form to the female she’s always been by age 16. will one of these future lesbians reject her simply for the accident of birth that betrayed her female self by landing her in a male body?

true, it is everyone’s right to choose whom they will for a lover. but what if we replaced ‘transgender’ with ‘black’. would it then seem appropriate to reject person? because of their color? the race into which they were born?

as far as i can see there is not much difference between that kind of racist discrimination and the discrimination with regard to transgender folk, that so many within the gay community find acceptable.

once many years ago, while playing pool in a lesbian bar, i was approached by a woman who looked more like a man. she had bound her breasts tightly to her chest, wore her short hair slicked back into a 50’s style DA, had a leather wallet shoved into the back pocket of her levis and connected to a belt loop by a silver chain. she stode confidently up to the table and plopped down a quarter, signalling that she would take on the winner. as she did so she gave me a lewd ‘undressing’ as bad as any i have received from the eyes of men. when i won (i usually lose, i suck at pool) she came back to the table with a look on her face that made me feel uncomfortable…as tho she’d just won me as a prize. i turned to my former opponent in the game and said, “you can play my win” and walked away.

later when the woman had finished playing my friend, she came to my table and seemed angry when i again refused her advances. she bellowed “if you don’t like women, what are you doing in a women’s bar!” or something like that. to which i replied “i do like women,” then looking her over added “i just don’t see one here” indicating her.

it was catty. it was horrible! i admit it. she was being herself. she was just so ‘manly’ that it turned me off. but i had rejected her based on her presentation more than on her looks, and should have said so instead of calling into question her gender.

on the other hand, i have dated trans-women…go figure!

what we as queers need in our corner of the world is to accept one another, tho not necessarily all behaviours. we must not allow the discriminating tastes we possess to oppress others. because no matter what our experience has been, we can at least agree that for the lgbt community, discrimination and oppression have been a painful common denominator and should have no place among our members


No, Bill O’Reilly, Glee Will Not Make Your Kid Transgender. And So What if It Does? | | AlterNet

saw this and had to post it…enjoy!

No, Bill O'Reilly, Glee Will Not Make Your Kid Transgender. And So What if It Does? | | AlterNet.

Leave a comment

this is why our transgender children need grisly mommas like me…

that ‘other’ grisly momma (and ex-candidate for veep) is just a predator after all’s said and done.
but we who stand with our children’s right to define themselves outside of the binary gender paradigm offered by the dominant culture are the real thing!
and those lovely trans-folk who had to wait and to this day still fight, we grisly mommas are with you too!

GID Reform Weblog by Kelley Winters

Kelley Winters, Ph.D.
GID Reform Advocates

On the April 18th broadcast of The Rachel Maddow Show, Dr. Maddow reported an “explosive revelation” that Psychiatrist Robert Spitzer had rescinded his controversial 2001 claim that sexual conversion, or sexual reparative, psychotherapies can change sexual orientation in gay and lesbian people. Quoting an interview of Dr. Spitzer in The American Prospect, Maddow celebrated the historical significance of Spitzer’s reversal for the gay rights movement, calling it,

step one in what we’re now going to see as a real change, a real reckoning, in antigay politics.

Sadly, Dr. Maddow only told half of the story. For four decades, Robert Spitzer has played pivotal roles in mental health policies, not only on sexual orientation, but on gender diversity as well. This week, Rachel Maddow and other journalists turned a blind eye to Dr. Spitzer’s failure to retract a lifetime of…

View original post 1,603 more words


parental bliss

today is a special day.
it is my daughter’s ninth birthday!
as per an old family tradition, the birthday girl gets to choose the meal (or where to eat), she chose ‘red lobster’.
the girl’s got taste!

my mom came with us. and before we left together to the restaurant, she produced a wrapped gift for ziona, compleat with a card in an envelope. inside the box was a ‘girl’ outfit. something my mom has grown to feel comfortable about is buying girl things for zee.

but zee couldn’t get over the name on the outside of the envelope. remarking excitedly “she even got my name right!” it was more important than the gift. it was validation, it was recognition of who she is.

of course, being autistic, she missed that she could’ve thanked my mom outright instead of referring to her in third person, for not just the gift but for the whole name thing, so i reminded her gently to do so. then made sure my mom understood just how important, how big of a deal it was to have the name on the envelop right. zee hadn’t even bothered to read the card inside, until prompted. once again her eyes brightened with anticipation as she openend it.

it reminded me of a scene in the movie “splash” where tom hanks’ character presents darryl hannah’s character with a wrapped gift. being a mermaid, she isn’t familiar with a ‘present’ and gushes about the beautiful ‘box’ she holds in her hands, until he tells her to open it. and she, genuinely surprised says, “there’s more?”

so zee opened the envelop to find a gamestop giftcard inside. she was unfamiliar with what a gift card is. i had to explain to her that it is like money that she can spend on things at that store. she was thrilled all over again.

i love being a mom!

is there anything quite as heart-warming as the genuine innocence of a child’s heart? it is like peering into the mind of an angel, seeing the world through the clarity of their pure eyes!

of course, there are moments of our life together that get pretty messy. the tantrums mostly…the ocd of her anger at feeling dirty and the constant insistence upon hand-washing. the low threshhold she has for the slightest frustration. but even in those very volatile instances, she is nothing less than completely honest about what she is feeling.

the other day she asked me if i wished she were really a boy, (ironic since her body says she is) and if i wished she didn’t have autism. i quite nearly cried at the beauty of her inquiry. she simply needed to know. despite the many times a day i tell her how dear she is to me. she had to know that i not only accept her, but wouldn’t have her any other way.

of course, i reassured her that i would love her no matter what, but sensing her need i added the “but i love you the way you are, and wouldn’t change a thing”.

she smiled, then looked worried, “but what about when i get my body changed?” referring i guessed to the ‘wouldn’t change a thing” remark.

i reminded her that we are all constantly changing. new cells replacing old ones, getting taller, hair getting longer…getting older. then asked her “do you think that there’s anything you could do or say, or become, that would make me not love you?”

a big hug was the reward!
i melted into her love.

1 Comment

read her story, sign the petition. this is court induced child abuse!

Be Proud to Be You

Sign It

An 11 year old girl in Berlin is about to be institutionalized because of the fact that she identifies as transgender. Her mother has fought and lost an appeal to keep her out of this situation, and now, she will be kept locked away until she conforms to her original male gender and has been fully indoctrinated to believe her feelings are wrong.  

This is disgusting, shocking and just plain cruel.  It cannot be allowed to happen, and if anything can be done to prevent this tragedy from occurring, it must be done.  Please, sign the petition. Get your friends to sign it, get everyone you know to sign it.  Post it on your Twitter, your Facebook, your blog.  Stop a child’s life from being ruined.  Please. 

View original post