sometimes apprehension of an ominous sort seeps into the fissures of my mind. a breath-holding kind of ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ (wonder whence this saying arose). this is not because of any vision, prescience or beginnings of darkening horizons. it’s just because life seems to be all too easy.
i keep thinking that someone, some agency or another, some institution of our society is going to try to prevent me from ensuring that my transgender daughter is allowed to follow the proper therapeutic protocols…that my rather hazardous ‘mother bear’ persona will be called upon…that my warrior self will have to rise to some as yet not apparent occasion and do battle.
no doubt, if we didn’t homeschool, many of these little clashes would already have been faced. schools can be quite a test of a parents resolve even without the transgender aspect. there are plenty of bullies to go around, some of them teachers. and with ziona’s autism school would pose other problems as well, since despite the decade of rapidly rising occurrence of the disorder, few steps have been taken in most public schools to hire on those who specialise in this particular field. the news reports of instances of autistic kids bullied by teachers, tased by cops called in, restrained and tossed into ‘quiet rooms’ (closets sometimes) are myriad.
perhaps because of her autism, tho, she is too inward turned to really notice the opinions of others. social nuance escapes her. she doesn’t pick up on subtle unkindnesses or taunts. she wears a cloak of indifference to her being ‘different’. the cloister composed of being homeschooled and having autism has shielded her from much that other trans-kids have had to battle through.
but we are getting closer to the days when we will have to either challenge medic-aid for her hormones, or scrape together cash not yet in evidence. we are at that edge of time where rising tanner levels are just around the proverbial corner. her urgent pleas to me that we don’t let her voice change, that we ‘catch it’ before the testosterone tries to make her a boy, these things are always simmering on a back-burner in my brain. maybe this is the reason for my feeling like i need be ready to dodge the sword of damocles hanging overhead.
on our annual cross country to the mendocino mountains in california this year we plan to meet with a bonafide child gender specialist in order to have all our ducks in a row when need arises to have a definitive diagnosis. this may fend off delays when things need to move forward, in the event an endocrinologist should hesitate to be on board for her treatment.
where we live there are NO professionals who specialise in transgender/transsexual matters. child or adult. the nearest places are at least a days drive away and are practices that take only adult clientele. but ziona’s primary is completely with us about how to proceed and tho not a specialist, she told me that one of her patients, who is now too old for a pediatric physician, was transgender…so here again, we face fewer obstacles than trans-kids and their parents.
it isn’t like me to feel uneasy just because things are going ‘so well’. generally an optimist, it seems only natural that things in my life are going smoothly. so perhaps this strange feeling of ‘not-quite-dread’ is more likely due to the months-long headaches i’ve been suffering than any portent arising in advance of a something going wrong.
still, i suppose that it is better to be prepared, and since this feeling instills in me a tendency to be on my toes, i’m gonna take it all as a whispered bit of wisdom, enjoy the moment and prepare for come what may.