Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…



sometimes apprehension of an ominous sort seeps into the fissures of my mind. a breath-holding kind of ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ (wonder whence this saying arose). this is not because of any vision, prescience or beginnings of darkening horizons. it’s just because life seems to be all too easy.

i keep thinking that someone, some agency or another, some institution of our society is going to try to prevent me from ensuring that my transgender daughter is allowed to follow the proper therapeutic protocols…that my rather hazardous ‘mother bear’ persona will be called upon…that my warrior self will have to rise to some as yet not apparent occasion and do battle.

no doubt, if we didn’t homeschool, many of these little clashes would already have been faced. schools can be quite a test of a parents resolve even without the transgender aspect. there are plenty of bullies to go around, some of them teachers. and with ziona’s autism school would pose other problems as well, since despite the decade of rapidly rising occurrence of the disorder, few steps have been taken in most public schools to hire on those who specialise in this particular field. the news reports of instances of autistic kids bullied by teachers, tased by cops called in, restrained and tossed into ‘quiet rooms’ (closets sometimes) are myriad.

perhaps because of her autism, tho, she is too inward turned to really notice the opinions of others. social nuance escapes her. she doesn’t pick up on subtle unkindnesses or taunts. she wears a cloak of indifference to her being ‘different’. the cloister composed of being homeschooled and having autism has shielded her from much that other trans-kids have had to battle through.

but we are getting closer to the days when we will have to either challenge medic-aid for her hormones, or scrape together cash not yet in evidence. we are at that edge of time where rising tanner levels are just around the proverbial corner. her urgent pleas to me that we don’t let her voice change, that we ‘catch it’ before the testosterone tries to make her a boy, these things are always simmering on a back-burner in my brain. maybe this is the reason for my feeling like i need be ready to dodge the sword of damocles hanging overhead.


on our annual cross country to the mendocino mountains in california this year we plan to meet with a bonafide child gender specialist in order to have all our ducks in a row when need arises to have a definitive diagnosis. this may fend off delays when things need to move forward, in the event an endocrinologist should hesitate to be on board for her treatment.

where we live there are NO professionals who specialise in transgender/transsexual matters. child or adult. the nearest places are at least a days drive away and are practices that take only adult clientele. but ziona’s primary is completely with us about how to proceed and tho not a specialist, she told me that one of her patients, who is now too old for a pediatric physician, was transgender…so here again, we face fewer obstacles than trans-kids and their parents.

it isn’t like me to feel uneasy just because things are going ‘so well’. generally an optimist, it seems only natural that things in my life are going smoothly. so perhaps this strange feeling of ‘not-quite-dread’ is more likely due to the months-long headaches i’ve been suffering than any portent arising in advance of a something going wrong.

still, i suppose that it is better to be prepared, and since this feeling instills in me a tendency to be on my toes, i’m gonna take it all as a whispered bit of wisdom, enjoy the moment and prepare for come what may.


4 thoughts on “inception

  1. Being prepared is goos, and you should never forget to do that, but I have also recently had something interesting pointed out to me by a close friend.
    I too am always looking for the other shoe to drop, expecting negative reactions at every turn. My friend pointed out, and my actual experience has proven that for the most part the negatives just aren’t there. We live in a different time and the world is far more enlightened than it was even 20 years ago. People in general and medical professionals in particular no longer scoff at being transgender. It is accepted as a legitimate medical condition. This is so much the case that here in the UK the high court has ruled that the NHS cannot deny treatment. It is handled like any other medical condition.
    There are still neanderthals out there who will try to give you grief, but they are an ever shrinking minority.
    Be a good mom, but don’t be afraid. When you look back, I think you will find that you worked for harder to overcome the autism issues than you ever needed to work for the trans issues.

    • the autism is without a doubt the harder thing for society to accept…the sheer numbers alone are daunting! and the evil eye one gets while trying to help an autistic child through a public melt-down are often followed by tongue-clicks of exasperation and at times such advice as “if my child behaved like that they’d get a whipping”. it is not uncommon, and at our local autism outreach center there are little business card sized laminated handouts for such occasions…they read “my child has autism, a neurological disorder ….” then says where the reader can get more info…i carried around a bag-full of these for years, tho now my daughter rarely needs them, she does have her moments.
      and i usually never get these ‘waiting for the shoe to drop’ moments…that’s what’s so strange! i usually just accept what occasions arise and sort them out on the spot…so, after writing the post, i sat up, did some reality therapy, you know, about what is ‘actually’ happening as opposed to what ‘may’…took a deep breath, and shook the shadow off my back…
      your reply tho, helps me to remember that things have gotten much better…perhaps if the US can’t get on board for treating this ‘health’ issue, we’ll move to UK? my ancestors are from northern ireland after all…

  2. The vague apprehension is understandable. I am sure you understand the power of living in the moment and from day to day. Best of wishes to you.

  3. Hello Moon. I have no experience of dealing with autism or transgender issues on a daily basis but something I’ve learned in recent years is to accept people as they are. I work in a retail stationery store and as you can imagine, we have a wide variety of folk coming in for their needs. I treat them all as ‘people’, irrespective of gender, age, race or any other persuasion. I learned after my military career to take life a day at a time, then I stopped the feeling that the world was closing in on me … which I had for some time.

    I could say, my heart goes out to you, but that would be sympathy, which you don’t need – because you’re strong.
    On the other hand you do need empathy because I believe something that will chip away at those gnawing doubts you wake up with every day is the sure knowledge that the world is changing daily. Okay, we have lot of narrow-minded, selective assholes out there still but let’s look around … I represent the majority … the world is opening up.
    Female priests, same sex marriages, and the list goes on. Sometimes it’s ‘location’ that makes you believe there is an issue when the only real issue is the place you happen to be living at the time.

    One of my brothers is gay and it took him until he was nearly 30 before it was made public. To enjoy quality of life he moved from Scotland to the south of England. He’s effectively still living in the same country but in a different part. I find that quite sad. I also find it sad that Ziona isn’t accepted at face value, but she has one thing in her favour a lot of youngsters in her situation don’t have the benefit of … you, as her mother. You’ve got more supporters than you have antagonists my friend.
    Tom x

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