Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…

time to act


today was ziona’s yearly ‘check-up’ at her primary care physician’s office. she needs to start a diet and exercise program as she is a bit on the chunky side, we learned. (not like i didn’t notice the baby fat belly). but we also had her testicles checked for development as is necessary to ascertain the dreaded tanner level, the physiological proof of testosterone beginning to rise with peri-pubescence.

we are there. and just to make it all the more fun, her testes have somehow become ascended and lodged up inside.

so now there will be ultrasounds to determine if some procedure will be necessary to deal with this unnatural ‘lodging’. and we’ll have to begin the testosterone blockers to prevent any further release of the hormone into her body, thus preventing the male features which she so fears we wont catch in time.

i’m on it!

a strange surge of adrenaline has been coursing through me since we left the pediatrician’s office. i’m revved up and raring to go. it is time to act!

in a way it is a relief not to have to wait any longer. we have caught it in the nick of time, and we know what happens next. i’ve been through it all in my mind, the cost of the testosterone-blocking injections, trying to get medicaid florida to pay, preparing to suck up the cost myself when they don’t. no more waiting! her journey has begun a new phase.

for ziona, the first phase was realisation that her body had betrayed her. the second phase was living as a girl, being accepted as and referred to as a girl. now. the third phase is the preventing the body from betraying her further; intervention.

she is anxious for the surgery that will remove the part she knows doesn’t belong on her body, but there will be a couple of phases between here and there. in a couple of years, phase 4 will ensue with the cross-hormones that will initiate her puberty as a female and all the body changes that will bring. then as soon as she turns 15 we will begin preparations for the sex-reassignment surgery she’ll get at age 16, probably done in thailand. vacation time!

we both know how hard she will have to struggle to be the girl she is. these necessary first steps and the painful surgery that will remove the last vestige of the y chromosomes betrayal. no doubt we’ll stay in thailand for a full month to ensure a full recovery before returning home to the U.S. (if we even decide to return)

somehow, the journey has begun in earnest now. altho, for her, it began long ago. i feel like we stand on the precipice of a dream-come-true. ready to leap.

and neither of us has the sense to be afraid.


7 thoughts on “time to act

  1. “Fear is the only darkness”, I say. Why Thailand though?

    • surgery is less expensive in thailand, and they are artists over there with the whole vaginoplasty and etc

      • Can you e-mail me with the info you’ve got on surgery in Thailand? My affirmed female daughter will be 6 in a couple months, so we have a long while yet, but you can’t ever be prepared enough. šŸ™‚

  2. There is nothing more liberating that that moment when it is time to act on all the plans and preparations. It is good that you feel some fear, that is different than being afraid. Fear motivates us to plan and prepare, while being afraid paralyzes us. You wouldn’t be the brilliant mother and child pair that you are if you were afraid. I am so rooting for you.

    • thanks so much…it is an exciting time…but a little scary…like i said, standing on a precipice preparing to leap…thanks for rooting for us…i am also rooting for you! such progress!

  3. “and neither of us has the sense to be afraid.”

    I think it is more that you do not let fear define you.

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