Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…

on not going off half-cocked


well, we’ve finally gotten back home after this year’s celestial event cross-country roadtrip, so here i am, back at the keyboard.

it was a wonderful vacation this year. we got to witness the annular solar eclipse from the front yard of our home in the mendocino mountains, the lunar eclipse from roswell, new mexico where we took in an alien exhibit or two, and were transiting the north american continent just as venus made her transit across the disk of the sun.

it’s always pleasant to me…this travel thing.
since my youth i’ve been possessed by an insatiable wanderlust.
so it is that once the airlines decided to become a little too fascist for my liking in their post-9/11 policies the annual pilgrimage to our mountain home in california from our home in florida turned from flights of ‘not-so-fancy’ to incredible cross-country roadtrips.

altho, after moving to florida, the first couple of journeys west were by air, it seems i am always ‘singled-out’ for the special treatment of pat-downs and gropes. this is most likely due to the facial tattoos that might be construed as middle-eastern in significance. altho, i’m pretty sure that any group arming and sending out a suicide bomber via air would most likely NOT pick someone who stands out so blatantly.

the groping never extended to my child,(something i wouldn’t have allowed even were she not transgender) but i just wont take any chances that such a thing might befall her, especially now that she lives as the girl she is, and in light of the various news reports and blog posts i’ve read about issues with trans-folk and our ‘oh-so-protective’ TSA. but i must say, we have way more fun travelling by car, stopping at various places on our way, seeing the sights and experiencing the beauty from the ground.

there are many things that changed for us the day she was allowed to live as herself. some that i pre-emptedly opted for have since proven to be unnecessary. for example, the lawyer that sees to our ‘financial affairs’ is very christian. altho that doesn’t always mean ‘judgmental’, i had foregone our usual stop by to chat because i just wasn’t certain what sort of reception we’d find with the new circumstance of zion being ziona…my son now a daughter. but this year, after three years of only speaking by phone and only about such things as need legal attending to, we stopped by.

the lawyer and his wife couldn’t have been more welcoming and complimented ziona on how big she had gotten, how beautiful she is and how much her hair has grown. it was a most affirming experience, and one that forced me to reassess my own judgmental tendencies.

in my defence the presumptions i entertain don’t arise in a vacuum. there are plenty of stories and anecdotes of others that support this tendency in me, as well as experiences of my own. and so it is that i find myself more than a little apprehensive about our upcoming appointment with a pediatric urologist to address the issue of ziona’s undescended testes.

surgery is necessary, but i fear that the one she really needs, the one to simply remove the testes, will NOT be the one that will be offered. already i have been preparing for a battle; lining up a mental health assessment from a psychotherapist with inscrutable expertise in transgender matters, a lawyer whose organisation deals with rights of persons in the lgbt community, letters of recommendation as to the proper therapeutic response to the situation in lieu of her absolute dysphoria regarding the “spare parts”.

maybe it will turn out to have been unnecessary. maybe the urologist will understand that the way forward can only be to remove the testes, not to place them between her legs. maybe the florida department of medicaid on which we rely for her various medical needs won’t require legal wrangling to agree to the procedure that is the onliest one that is right for her situation. but as with the TSA, and our visits with our lawyer, it seems wise not to be unprepared.

our various trips and journeys are always well planned out. we know where we are going to end up and from where we will start but everything in-between is well thought out. we know where we will stay, what we want to see or experience along the way and how long the trip will be…approximately. it is much the same process with our path for ziona to become the girl she is. as with any journey, we have encountered the unexpected along the way. and so far, the unexpected has been pleasant surprises. but that doesn’t mean we wont be met with a storm or two at some point. and it’s best not to go off half-cocked.

so, i act on presumptions and plan for the worst in the best way i can. always keeping in mind the destination. after all, if you don’t know where you’re going, you might end up somewhere else. and it’s never a bad thing to prepare for disaster…altho it may be unhealthy to expect one.


4 thoughts on “on not going off half-cocked

  1. My life philosophy has always been, Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and reality will usually land somewhere in between.

    I find I get far more positive reactions from people when i enter the room with a positive attitude. When I expect bad things to happen, it usually becomes a self0fulfilling prophesy.

    Glad your trip went well. I missed you here in the cyber world. Good luck with Zee’s upcoming medical appointments. I hope it all goes smoothly.


  2. Or, as they say, if you don’t know where you want to go, any road will do.

    • so true…and much the way i’ve lived my life!
      when people would ask “what do you do for a living?” i always answered “i live”
      all who wander are not lost…after all

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s