Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…


the lion sleeps tonight

yesterday i was in a state!
it’s not often my mind whirls about so frantically without being able to find its ground.
i’m like a lightning rod, usually. most mental activity passes through me, then into the earth. its a gift.
but apparently not a constant!

i should explain.

ziona was found to have testicles that were undescended. at least that’s what the primary care physician thought and a subsequent ultrasound revealed.

enter urologist appointment. after gathering support from mental health and legal professionals, lest surgery to descend the testes seemed imminent over the more logical procedure for a young trans-girl nearing puberty blocking time..removal.

all my ducks neatly in a row, monday night, i got maybe 2 hours of sleep. nothing short of knock out drops would coerce the sandman to close my weary eyes. i knew it was anxiety for what could be my first real fight for ziona’s rights.

tuesday, we arrived at the urologist’s office to find that the physician’s assistant for the doctor, was the same one that ziona had seen before at the gastro-intestinal doctors office! the first sigh of relief escaped my body unnoticed by this familiar face.

this p.a. already knew ziona as both zion and ziona. he had seen her for follow ups and pre-ops for the annual colonoscopy she must have to remove the polyps that keep cropping up in her large intestine. it made telling him what our needs were much easier.

it also made it easier for ziona to allow him to try to manipulate the testes out of their very deep hiding place. it was a painful procedure, but he was able after many weird leg positionings and much wrangling, to get them into the scrotum. only one at a time and only briefly! they popped right back up inside of her the minute he let go of pinching them into place.

but still, good news! no surgery!

so we followed up with the primary care physician, because whether retractile or undescended, getting a ‘feel’ of the testes to determine tanner stage was not going to be possible. so the logical next step, the alternative, is to do a blood draw to measure lutenising hormone levels.

i was shocked to learn that she wouldn’t order the test. she seemed to have been on board all along. even claimed to have had a transgender patient ‘graduate’ out of her practice in the recent past. all the times when we had spoken about the implanted form of the puberty blockers and hormones, she listened and once even said that the procedure was easy enough that she could do it in the office.

in what seemed like a blindsiding about-face the doctor started talking about legal ramifications, mentioning the fact that ziona is a minor and digging in with statements like, “you’ve got to understand where we are”, meaning the deep south, where every good christian will tell you where folk like ziona and myself will be spending eternity. she claimed not to know anything about the protocol involved, like it was an experimental procedure i was asking her to perform. and i felt betrayed, … big time.

surprised, i said, “but i thought you had had a transgender patient in your practice”. then she explained that the person in question had parents who wouldn’t sign off on anything and had waited until 16 “pursued it on their own”.

i offered to send her links from various studies, links to various clinics around the country where the ‘protocol’ and proper therapies for treating a transgender child are in practice. when i got home i did just that too. frantically, and profusely firing off email after email from the web. and then i sent her the link to the ucsf program that ziona and i had decided on for pursuing her care.

but i was puzzled.

why had the doctor listened and seemed to ‘be on board’ for so long? had someone or something scared her? it occurred to me that maybe she thought i expected HER to ‘do’ the protocol. so i sent her a release form from the program at ucsf, asked her to fax them ziona’s records, then emailed her to apologise for not communicating well enough the fact that she, as the primary care physician, is only involved tangentally in the whole process. just to order the occasional test, and otherwise simply to see to ziona’s health and well being.

the sandman eluded me for a second night in a row as i pondered what had gone wrong.

i admit, my reaction to wednesday’s events was almost ballistic, altho since i tend to be rational, on the outside at least, no one probably knew the extent of my panic.

but what a difference a day makes!

today i spoke with the intake person at the ucsf program, got ziona registered, got her first appt set up, then bought airline tickets to bring us to san francisco and back to florida the same day, even lined up a neighbor to look after letting the dogs out to poop and pee while we’re gone for the day.

i think i may even sleep tonight.

1 Comment

more positive role-models for our transgender kids!



THE GUERRILLA ANGEL REPORT — Although Qian Jinfan didn’t start living as a woman until she was 80-years-old, she knew at age 3 she wasn’t meant to be a male. Sex reassignment surgery came at age 82 and now, at age 84, Jinfan outs herself in an interview for Southern Metropolitan Daily advocating for trans people.

Jinfan, who is now China’s oldest trans person, is a former government official, a calligrapher, and an art critic. She recalls always thinking it would be great to be a girl when she was younger, but kept these things inside until her marriage to a woman ended at age 80.

Jinfan: “I don’t think I’m inferior to anyone. I will not give up so easily. I have done nothing wrong.”

Qian Jinfan, China’s Oldest Transgender Woman, ‘Outs’ Herself In Advocacy Bid.


British trans woman April Ashley, the first Briton to have SRS…

View original post 111 more words


it’s only natural

my beautiful daughter and i love all things ‘nature’ and natural. she insists i don’t mow the back lawn too often, (and since it is privacy fenced in the neighbors don’t mind.) she goes out in the backyard, building lizard habitats of the branches i hew from the constantly expanding southern oak. she finds new wildflowers, (most folk call them weeds,) and gifts me with them. she calls for me to identify a new bug she’s found. we study it, note its color, size etc. then get out our insect manual to find out its name.

two days ago, while clearing out some debris to truck off to the dump, i found a praying mantis. when i brought it in to show ziona, the creature leapt onto a ruellia plant that graces our screened-in porch, and despite attempts to re-capture it in order to release it into the yard, it evaded our well-intentioned fingers.

since it has taken up residence we have had to capture bugs for its dinners, and it has already shed a skin, leaving the empty and brittle shell of its former self clinging to the screen, while looking fresh and bright green in its new skin, grooming itself about a foot away.

of course, my poet’s mind couldn’t resist pondering the obvious metaphor presented by the scene. the nonchallant manner of ‘moving on’, leaving the past in the past, abandoning the confining shell of a former self to become new.

i thought of ziona. how she longs to leave the ‘male-ness’ of her body behind. in some ways she will undergo much more of a metamorphosis someday, akin to that of the moth and butterfly. still the metaphor fits, precisely because she is rapidly outgrowing the ‘indeterminate’ gender neutral phase of childhood and entering into the time where the body begins to ‘declare’ itself.

how frustrating, how tortuous this shell must seem to her, the one that constrains her blossoming into the girl she is. how anxious she must be to struggle free of that and leave it behind, and move on.

tomorrow ziona has an appointment with a pediatric urologist to determine what must be done about her undescended testes (i maintain that they were trying to migrate up and become ovaries)surgery of some kind will be necessary. the usual thing is do surgical procedure to remove them from the canals then insert them into the scrotal sac. that is not something i will allow! already have support in place from a wpath boardmember psychotherapist, and a legal rights organisation just in case things go bad.

my mind goes back to the praying mantis…imagine trying to keep it from leaving behind it’s out-dated exo-skeleton. surgery to descend testicles in an affirmed female transgender child would be a bit like brushing shellac on the outside of the mantis. it would be absolutely unnatural!

for ziona, there is only one way to address the issue of the undescended testes. remove them! it’s only natural after all. and in her mind, girls don’t have them.


another star ‘comes out’ transgender

she’s played music with some pretty high profile people…bob dylan and elton john among them.
now she’s letting the world know, she’s really a he.
i love finding stories that are positive or high profile in the news. heavens know there are enough horror stories. but this is another story i had to share.


father’s day transgender surprise

the stories seem to be ‘coming out’ from the woodwork these days. stories about transgender folk and their amazing and courageous journeys!
this one like so many i’ve read lately cried out to be shared.
so at the risk of not-being very original these days, here is
another interesting story for father’s day…