Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…


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happy new year!

so, here we stand on the precipice of another year. or at least that is how one is supposed to look at it. but time isn’t like this for me. it moves in neither line nor a circle, (which is really just a line joined end to end to itself). i’m synesthetic with regard to time. for me it is something more akin to prioperception, a sense of my self in relation to space. and yes, time is space in terms of physics too.

so for me time is more like a spiral of space, a mobius spiral binder holding together all the pages of life that pertain to this ‘me’. at any given place along the spiral, memories tethered by that particular place, open like a side room leading through the corresponding experiences. so the mobius spiral is also like a staircase within a mansion of many rooms. time is a continuity of places my self has traveled here in life… at death, i imagine that the mobius loop of spiral space is unaffected, but a different self will begin riding its curves and waves.

at 58 years old, well over half of this ‘time’ has been governed by parenthood. my days revolve around caring and providing for these awesome creatures. ensuring their physical growth and well-being through acts of love such as cooking good food, and encouraging activity. seeing to their mental growth by providing materials in many different mediums that touch them to a broad spectrum of things to learn. and most of all, helping them to develop as the persons they are, by allowing their lotus being to unfold, unhindered and protected.

each of these awesome creatures has in reality taught me much more than i them. everything i’ve been required to teach them, for example, has of a need required me to learn how to best do this. children help to expand us from within, stretching us and molding us as they once did while inhabitants of the womb. in a way, as a mother, one is ever a womb. always growing to accomodate the child’s needs… always changing in order to provide what is needed, when it is needed.

for 33 years, the mobius spiral has moved me along through this mansion, with one fact of life determining everything else: the care of a child.

i can’t imagine life without this potent inspiration. and i may not have to. because ziona is autistic, and tho considerably high-functioning, i likely will be providing care for her well beyond the usual 18 years that a child tolerates a parent. her particular idiosyncrasies may make living on her own difficult at best. still, a mother bird must somehow fledge her young, preparing them for flight.

for now, it is all about homeschool lessons (against which she battles me), tickle-fights, and tackle-hugs…and bumping our rear-ends together for a ‘butt-kiss’ at bedtime. and altho aware of the places that this mobius spiral will carry us both someday, it is bliss to dwell in the moment, and even more so when spending one’s days with a child. it is this place called ‘now’ that continuously unfurls the future. therefore, every ‘now’ well-lived leads unto a thousand well-lived tomorrows.

so happy new year! to everyone…no matter how you experience time, may your going forth be pleasant and fruitful. and above all, whatsoever your life requires of you, remember this: each moment experienced for itself alone is time well spent.


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sublimation and the mind of god

having grown up in colder climes of northern minnesota, from time to time i feel a bit displaced…usually in winter. this is because my childhood during the long months of cold, was filled with sledding, skating, snowball fights, snow forts, snow angles, cross-country skiing, and more and more snow!

these are found memories for me. being the eldest among 7 children in a small house, once the snowplows had left behind massive mountains of snow on the curbside, an immediate remedy for having some time and space alone was afforded me. i’d rush to shovel the front sidewalk, then dig into the four to five foot snowbanks. a snow fort was a necessity for me!

after hollowing one out, i’d harden it inside and out by pouring water on it, which in the extreme sub-zero temps of the season turned into an armor of ice. an old piece of rug or towel was then brought out for a floor. and there it was! my castle of solitude.

of course, here in the deep south along the gulf coast of florida, no such opportunity avails. but this morning i was treated to another of my favourite things about winter…also an exceedingly rare occurance here: sublimation.

sublimation is a physical change in the property of matter, in which matter goes from solid to gas, bypassing the intervening state of being fluid. it is really quite magickal when you pause to think on it, and for a poet like my self, it proves as easy metaphor to describe all sort and manner of transcendent experience.

for example, sublimation can allude to physical love which becomes transcendant, and ethereal. it can describe enlightenment, whereby the physical world is seen for what it truly is, a vapour. it can even serve as a kinder reference for the process we call death. you can probably come up with many more examples of this, especially if you’ve ever witnessed the event.

so imagine my sense of anticipation when upon awakening this morning, before sunrise, while still the waning moon’s beams danced upon rooftops thickly glazed with frost! the prospect for sublimation was made even more probable due to the warming trend forecast for today.

i was not to be disappointed. as the sun climbed higher into the crisp blue skies, its golden touch upon the crystalline deposits on rooftop and lawn, transformed solid ice into gaseous vapor, right before my eyes! like a flash-flood, every allusion, analogy, and metaphor that this vision has ever birthed in my thought-stream filled my mind!

who cares that the sub-zero (celsius) temperature would delay my daily sauna? never mind that i’ll have to wear my winter gear just to step outside briefly…after all, such opportunity for reflection, daunting any mundane perceptions of life, overwhelming them with the glare of its beauty, with the genius of its allegory…well, its not every day one feels privvy to the mind of god!


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attitude of gratitude

its great to awaken in a state of gratitude! it is, in and of itself, a blessing ~ since some people have a much harder go of their emotional and/or mental life. (like ziona, for example)

i don’t know when it was that this state of grace befell me. it goes back many more years than the births of either of my grown daughters. it had fortunately been in place long before ziona came into my life, carrying along all of the special ‘othernesses’ and difficulties with which she is equipped.

this grace has helped me to rise to any and all occasions, regardless of depth or scope. it has revealed to me the bright side in every hell, in each trouble. with it, came an ability to see beyond the immediate and visible reality, projecting likely and alternative outcomes or perceptions onto whatsoever circumstance should present. it has granted me as well an ‘eye in the center of the hurricane’ sort of calm.

it would be flattering to myself to be able to attribute this boon to some feat i have accomplished, or some faithful and daily ritual performed such as yoga or sitting meditation. it would be wonderful if i could point to some trauma, or some transcendent religious or spiritual experience as the source of this mindset of gratitude, if only to explain why i should be so endowed while others seem not to be.

moreover, it might justify why such a loathesome and lowly creature as i am (no false humility or overstating of the facts here, anyone who knew the particulars of my life story, inside and out would use similar adjectives) has been granted such an auspicious benefit.

i wish i could point everyone i know, and even those i’ve not met, toward some faith or tradition, toward some religion or ascended master ~ something, (anything!) so that all they who seem not to be in possession of this blessing might attain it. i wish i could reach inside of people and flip some invisible switch that would turn it on.

the simple fact of the matter is that there is no magickal formula, no daily practice, no penance or shining good deed done to account for the grateful heart. there is nothing that one must ‘do’ but rather it is that one must ‘undo’.

a cup that is full, no matter with what, cannot be added unto. an empty vessel can receive much. it is only the drum that is hollow that beats strong as a heart. the fulness of a flute’s tone relies on the unhindered flow of the breath. the space between drumbeats creates rhythm. in the space between thoughts there is heaven.

undoing, making room at the inn, letting go…

perhaps poetry and aphorisms are the only way to explain the means through which gratefulness of spirit comes to reside in one’s heart. and perhaps only poetry can describe the benefits. but as the new year begins, as we move further into the age of aquarius and the time of the fifth sun of the mayans, it is my most fervent wish that folk the world over and in every estate, unfurl within themselves this gift. one which everyone already has…but have yet to unwrap and enjoy.


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because i believe…in me

so here we are! kickin’ 2013 in the rear and getting ready to move further on into the 21st century.
we’ve lived through another election cycle, a record year of warm temperatures and weird weather and the end of the world. so what have we done?

as for my little corner of the world, the homeschool year is half over with ziona having learned how to read and write cursive. how to multiply 3 digit numbers, divide same, how cells work and how the western hemisphere’s north american continent was invaded, conquered, and subsequently claimed by the europeans, part of it eventually being called the united states.

in addition to these homeschool accomplishments, ziona has been accepted and enrolled into ucsf’s child and adolescent gender clinic, and been officially diagnosed as transgender by a recognised expert in the field all of which should make it easier to have her treatment needs covered by medi-caid going forward. (hopefully)

the world has become a bit kinder to people who are gender variant, and tho no cause or cure is known for autism, people are more informed and perhaps a bit more understanding of the subject.

unfortunately our government still seems hell-bent on screwing the poor while kow-towing to the rich, but movements like “occupy” have given hope to those who know that change must come. economies the world over are in disarray while banks and wall street rake in the cash. in our country, even getting bailed out by the people who suffer most at the whim of their greed. austerity protests elsewhere may even be coming here to the u.s. soon.

our peace prize president continues to wage undeclared wars inherited from the previous administration and has managed to embroil the military in new ones. his ‘kill list’ is kept from the public by claims of national security and no matter the children his drone assassinations have killed, he still felt it believable and not hypocrisy to weep crocodile tears at the tragedy in sandy hook.

laws have been passed that curtail our freedoms in flagrant disregard for the constitution even to the extent of allowing for the indefinite detaining of american citizens without trial or legal recourse. spying on private emails and such is now totally acceptable and warrantless wiretapping as well as other forms of monitoring are the real world equivalent of pre-crime divisions that used to only exist in science fiction movies.

so, given all this one might wonder why i can say that i feel genuinely positive about the world going forward into the time of the mayan’s 5th sun, a new bak’tun.

it is just this. optimism in human nature.

i have seen my family go from ostracising ziona and myself just because she is transgender and i support her to accepting her and affirming her ‘girlness’. i have watched as this beautiful child’s mind of her own begins to form from the spirit that dwells within her. i have seen random acts of kindness perpetrated on a daily basis which are not deemed news-worthy by the sensationalist media. there have been revolutions, for better or worse, world-wide wherein the people are throwing off the oppression, the shackles of their corrupt governments, giving me hope that even the sedate and brainwashed citizenry of my own land may yet follow that lead. that we might out of love of our country rise up and lay claim to the promise it pretends.

so yes, despite the mistakes and evils of the past, or even of just the past year, i embrace all that the future, or even just the coming year, might present. because hope is even worse than blind faith, since it is optimistic without slightest benefit of a belief system or god.

i’ve always said, “the meaning of life is to give your life meaning”. and as for me, the meaning i choose to export to my life, is one wherein i do whatsoever i can, whatever the situation or circumstance, to matter for the better.

i’m optimistic then, because i believe in me…


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best gift

today is christmas.

for christians, it is the day that is assigned to the birth of jesus. for earth religion types, it is the end of the three days of ‘sun standing still’ and the beginning of day’s increase. the underworld of darkness has birthed the new light, and with it, the promise of another spring.

gifts and sharing are traditional to christian and pre-christian celebrations of this time of year. in earth religions, we honor the season by bringing in a living evergreen, by lighting candles and sharing the last of the long nights with others. we pay homage to the divine in life and the cycles therein. the gifts we share with others remind us of the gift of light that has been granted by the season.

this year, my daughter and i decided not to allow the corporate shambling presence a place in our celebrations. there are no piles of brightly wrapped gifts under a phony or dying tree. there is a living blue spruce to be planted in our yard on imbolc. there are candles lit at night while we gather near one another to talk about a wide variety of subjects. her curious mind is my daily delight.

yesterday, while discussing the fact that we would be sharing christmas with my mom, bringing some food and such, ziona told me that she understood why people exchange gifts on holidays, but that she knew the best gifts were things that couldn’t be wrapped up with paper or tied with a bow. she said she was grateful that all her needs are fulfilled. then she said something very wise.

“i’m even glad that there are things that i still want and don’t have” she said.

at first i was taken aback by the statement. i looked at her to see if there was a “like i really would like to have a ___________” coming next. as tho perhaps her statement was the beginning of a hint for a gift she wanted to get.

but without giving myself and suspicious thoughts away, i merely followed up with “it’s nice to still have things to look forward to.” still half-believing that a veiled request was on the way. but it was not and i was left to feel sheepish about how wrong i had been. because she went on to say that she was happy that she had the best things already.

you guessed it, she meant love.

then she quickly excused herself and said, “that reminds me, i’ve gotta get something out of my room for your gift” nearly tearing up, i wondered what on earth she had hidden away. she emerged with her hands behind her back and came to me saying, “this is my best present for you”… i waited

she lunged at me throwing her arms around my back, burying her head in my chest. “here it is!” she said.
i thought my heart would burst with joy. altho i should’ve seen it coming.

she hadn’t missed christmas, all the gifts and wrappings one bit. instead she displayed her wise understanding of the fact that the best presents we the ones we already have for each other. just an arms length away for the taking!


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more meaningful

today is the famous end of the mayan long count calendar…the end of the world of the 4th sun, and a new beginning.

oh, and solstice too!

ziona and i decided to forego the trappings of the christian takeover of this season. it seemed a rather mature decision on her part. i was fully ready to drag out the old creche, the fake tree and all the ornaments. but recently we have been studying and comparing various cultures, past and present, to learn how people in different times and places celebrated life and the seasons.

both zee and i relate far more with the ‘earth religions’ of various world cultures. she is especially drawn to the european ‘wiccan’ traditions. so this year, we celebrated halloween as samhain, the beginning of the new year, and reclaimed solstice from the corporate spend-gasm of capitalism’s version of christmas.

we made a beautiful altar on a table. it was composed of a ring (wreath) of fir branches, around which we placed four candles, one in the position of each of the cardinal directions. in the center of the wreath, we placed a basket of living sage, and some seeds we hope to plant in the spring. the whole altar represents the circle of the year through the seasons.

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no gaudi tree, no flickering lights except for the stars…no massive heap of gift wrapped presents…just the gift that life is.

for the three days during which the ‘sun stands still’ we will clean the house, gathering things to give away to a place in town which distributes all manner of things to people whose income level won’t even tolerate a trip to the local “goodwill store”. we will prepare for the ‘return of the sun’, by clearing a space in our lives and letting go of things from the past.

it has been an awesome thing! to step outside of the usual horrid display of mass consumerism and truly seek the meaning we would impose upon our life.

after the three days of solstice are complete, we will celebrate the sun’s return with feasting at my mom’s home for what she celebrates as ‘christmas eve’. we will, of course, not be empty-handed. we will come bearing gifts and a few food dishes for the table. and upon returning home we’ll light the first candle in our special spiral candle-holder, which holds eight tea-light mini candles…one for every week until imbolc, the next important holy day of the ‘earth-religion’ circle of the the year.

oh yeah, imbolc was also taken over by the christian and corporate entities. others know it as groundhog day or st. brigit’s day.

so, just thought i’d share this alternative way to mark time.
i always say “the meaning of life is to give your life meaning”
and if that’s true, fulfillment lies in the midst.


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new world or newtown?

today, for our homeschool lessons, my beautiful daughter and i explored societal propaganda. the kind that comes from advertisements, from pop-culture and other sources. the curriculum included the movie “branded”, which is great by the way, and other videos that correctly define propaganda, and the purposes for which it exists and the corporate control of culture and reasons for it. a most enlightening day, altho we often talk about ‘mind-control’ methods used to manipulate people, including religions and t.v. programming.

then came the news. another school shooting. another episode in america’s history of reaping what it has sown!

yup, i said that…
too soon?

it is indeed sad that the parents of some 20 kids will have to mourn their children. but american foreign policy regularly deprives parents of their children, and vice versa, with few tears in the eyes of the one who sends out the drones, or orders the actions. so all the high-minded rhetoric and crocodile tears from our ‘kill-list’ president seemed totally disingenuous to me. my daughter too couldn’t help but note the irony of this commander-in-chief responding the way he did.

i teach my daughter at home so that she will not suffer bullying and other insults for being “different”. i teach her the truth about america, as painful as it might be. because to sugar-coat such actions as land theft, genocide, torture and wars for resources and geo-political advantage is unforgivable in my opinion. she doesn’t think columbus was a great man, we don’t celebrate thanksgiving because we know it has been white-washed (literally). we learn american history from howard zinn’s “people’s history of the united states” and things like oliver stone’s new 10 part series about america’s history from world war II to recent years. our current events lessons involve talking about american imperialism and the role it has played in death, war and destruction around the globe.

so today, when i read the news on one of my twitter feeds (that’s right….we don’t have television) i had yet another reason to be glad that i am able to teach my child at home. pretty sure no one’s gonna break in our front door with rifles and start shooting.

but the events of the day fit in well with the lessons we had been engaged in. because we began exploring other aspects of conditioning, about the effects of a culture that glorifies war and violence, not only through the actions justified by our government’s foreign policy, but also by violence that is portrayed in the movies and even video games. we talked about the fact that these things, coupled with an insane gun control policy (i.e. the lack of control) most certainly play a part in the horror-show happening that was america’s most latest wake-up call.

and we hugged…alot!
she was saddened and angry, all at the same time.
i felt a twinge of real fear…anxiousness at our doomed culture, worried about the future.

i’m getting close to 60 years old. i wont always be around to protect this beautiful child. i can help her to raise power in her own right by teaching her to reject the conditioning of this culture in decline, giving her the tools to see through attempts at mind-control via media,and encouraging her to stand for what is right not just what is popular. i can to a certain degree keep her safe for this briefest stretch of her life, these first couple of decades but i can’t make her bullet proof.

hopefully humankind’s better angels will one day prevail and set aside all the evils have plagued civilisation since we began settling into agricultural society.

hopefully. but i’m not holding my breath.

the 21st of december, according to the mayan calendar, is the beginning of a new cycle. the birth of the fifth world…best case scenario, we human beings turn over a new leaf, make things better for the whole of the world and really start being human!

so what’s it gonna be? new world? or more newtowns!


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my gamer girl

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this is my beautiful gamer girl!

it’s impossible for me to see her as anything but a beautiful, creative, game-loving 9 year-old girl. but of course, the reality is a bit more complex.

on any given day we do our homeschool lessons and she fights with me over them a bit, then co-operates and afterward is allowed to play ‘games’. one of her favorites is skyrim, where she is always a female, but rarely human. another one she enjoys is sim’s city creator, where after each build, she chooses from among the various disaster modes offered, and goes about wreaking havoc and destruction on the towns. these days she’s into minecraft. not surprisingly, these are the games i enjoy as well, tho i am not nearly as good at playing them. she is in many ways, a girl after my own heart.

she wants to travel to exotic places, and we do. right now we are saving up for a trip to thailand. it will be an expensive trip, because in addition to seeing the sights, by the time we save up enough to journey there, she will also be getting gender aligning surgery in one of the best places on earth to get it.

there are at least 7 years between now and then…and we will take other, less exotic excursions in the meantime. like the cross-country roadtrips we take every summer to visit california, our home and friends there. or the planned adventure to venezuela in a year or two. maybe another one to belize, or one to peru. and most certainly every trip from now until her gender alignment surgery, we will be making return visits to the child and adolescent gender clinic at ucsf, perhaps even taking in another genderspectrum event in the bay area.

it’s surprisingly rare that the whole topic of ‘transgender’ comes up in our household. zee, innocently enough, doesn’t really relate to that assignation. to her mind, she is just a girl. the unfortunate reminder of a body part that belies her own truth does bother her, however. she can’t bear to see her ‘spare part’, relies on me to ‘dab’ after she pees (of course always sitting down for this), insists on bubbles for the bath and when she gets out the robe is her shield against the reality of her body right up until i have dressed her.

so today, as a part of our homeschool ‘video day’, we watched one about propaganda and its effects on behaviour, then we watched one about ‘transgender children’ which i had selected because the child portrayed in it had such a similiar experience to zee’s own. like ziona, this child knew from a very early age on, about 3. like her, this child had begun to live outloud, as we call it, at around age 6.

at one point in the programme the child’s parents said they had noticed their transgender daughter becoming very concerned about her body changing ‘into a man’s’… always checking the mirror worried that she might begin to have facial hair. the child voiced her fear, and as she did i chanced to look over at ziona’s face. it would be hard to describe her expression. but it looked like one of fear.

i turned off the video at that point, deciding that it was a good enough place, (it was near the end anyway) to stop and have a little discussion. in doing so i was to learn that ziona is indeed still terrified that somehow we wont ‘catch it’ in time and that ‘boy changes’ may start to happen to her. a nightmare that she pushed to the back of her mind whenever it occurred to her. even tho she knows the whole procedure of going forward to become the girl she’s always known she is will be full of injections and at least one major surgery, despite how much she hates shots and fears pain, she is far more terrified by the prospect of having ‘boy changes’ happen to her.

it is a good thing that we watched this, that i noticed her expression and that afterward we had a heart-to-heart about her feelings regarding this. she always seems like such a carefree child! it never occurred to me that she might be genuinely terrified, deep down inside. not of the painful surgery, not of the hormone injections, but of what would become of her without them.