Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…

happy new year!

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so, here we stand on the precipice of another year. or at least that is how one is supposed to look at it. but time isn’t like this for me. it moves in neither line nor a circle, (which is really just a line joined end to end to itself). i’m synesthetic with regard to time. for me it is something more akin to prioperception, a sense of my self in relation to space. and yes, time is space in terms of physics too.

so for me time is more like a spiral of space, a mobius spiral binder holding together all the pages of life that pertain to this ‘me’. at any given place along the spiral, memories tethered by that particular place, open like a side room leading through the corresponding experiences. so the mobius spiral is also like a staircase within a mansion of many rooms. time is a continuity of places my self has traveled here in life… at death, i imagine that the mobius loop of spiral space is unaffected, but a different self will begin riding its curves and waves.

at 58 years old, well over half of this ‘time’ has been governed by parenthood. my days revolve around caring and providing for these awesome creatures. ensuring their physical growth and well-being through acts of love such as cooking good food, and encouraging activity. seeing to their mental growth by providing materials in many different mediums that touch them to a broad spectrum of things to learn. and most of all, helping them to develop as the persons they are, by allowing their lotus being to unfold, unhindered and protected.

each of these awesome creatures has in reality taught me much more than i them. everything i’ve been required to teach them, for example, has of a need required me to learn how to best do this. children help to expand us from within, stretching us and molding us as they once did while inhabitants of the womb. in a way, as a mother, one is ever a womb. always growing to accomodate the child’s needs… always changing in order to provide what is needed, when it is needed.

for 33 years, the mobius spiral has moved me along through this mansion, with one fact of life determining everything else: the care of a child.

i can’t imagine life without this potent inspiration. and i may not have to. because ziona is autistic, and tho considerably high-functioning, i likely will be providing care for her well beyond the usual 18 years that a child tolerates a parent. her particular idiosyncrasies may make living on her own difficult at best. still, a mother bird must somehow fledge her young, preparing them for flight.

for now, it is all about homeschool lessons (against which she battles me), tickle-fights, and tackle-hugs…and bumping our rear-ends together for a ‘butt-kiss’ at bedtime. and altho aware of the places that this mobius spiral will carry us both someday, it is bliss to dwell in the moment, and even more so when spending one’s days with a child. it is this place called ‘now’ that continuously unfurls the future. therefore, every ‘now’ well-lived leads unto a thousand well-lived tomorrows.

so happy new year! to everyone…no matter how you experience time, may your going forth be pleasant and fruitful. and above all, whatsoever your life requires of you, remember this: each moment experienced for itself alone is time well spent.

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3 thoughts on “happy new year!

  1. Gorgeous post. I am so there with you. My son is 16 and was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 5. My life has been dedicated to helping him be all that he can be and like you, my son will most likely be in my care all of my life. And I am 100% okay with that. He has taught me more than I would ever have known without him and I look forward to supporting him as he spreads his wings a little wider and begins his first year at college. Happy New Year to you and your family = )

    • thanks so much…and happy new year to you as well…and yes, not sure what i would’ve been doing had i not adopted my grandchild who i’d raised from birth. at nearly 50 when ziona was diagnosed, i realised that much, if not all of what years i might acquire in life, would be spent being there for her needs….still whatever i might have been doing, had i not chosen this path, i’m certain that this is more rewarding. peace to you, and to yours.

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