today we, ziona and my self, spoke to her psychiatrist for gender dysphoria in advance of our trip out to university of san francisco for her appoint at the child and adolescent gender clinic. dr. giamattei asked me something that i almost never hear: “what are you doing for you?”
having a transgender child is worrisome enough. there are hurdles and protocols, expenses that often one must fight to have insurance or medicaid pay…there is the pain of watching the child’s pain about something beyond our power to reconcile.
it’s not like when they’re sick, and feverish, … so that an over the counter pain reliever or febrifuge will suffice. it’s not like when they’ve fallen down and skinned their knees, when a bit of healing salve and a kiss to make it better helps. it’s not like when someone at school has been mean or unfair to them and you march right down to wherever to stand up for them and demand an apology.
there’s no one to speak an apology for what has happened to ziona. there’s no medication to alleviate her pain. and all the kisses in the world from ‘mom’ or anyone else can’t make it better.
things like puberty blocking implants are only a first step…the one we are at these days. then it’s down to waiting again. for time to pass, for the magickal age at which she can start cross-hormones. and then another wait. it will be at the very least, five whole years before she turns 16, when a surgeon who has already agreed that ziona should get the reassignment that early given her level of dysphoria, can give her the rest of what she will need to feel whole.
because ziona is also autistic, and has issues with self-calming and ocd, this whole transgender thing, this condition, is even harder on her than on a child who is able to ‘take a breath’…to let this ‘wrong part’ not be an overwhelming thorn in the side, one who is at least capable of avoiding a melt-down when the unavoidable pop-ups (erections) occur.
yes,…it hurts us as parents when we must stand by, with nothing whatsoever that we can do to alleviate our children’s suffering…it hurts…and i don’t know what to do for me. for the frustration i have that time doesn’t go faster, that i can’t wave a magick wand and change her into the girl she is. i don’t know what to do for me, to make me okay with the pain i see her going through every day.
if only i didn’t love her…