Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…

if tears could but heal


as loving parents, the pain our children feel is our own in a way…a deep way.  my daughter is going through pain i wish no child ever had to feel.  and there’s nothing i can do but stand by and hurt right along with her…

except i can’t really know how hard what she is going through is for her.  she has a body that every day tells lies about her.  that says, ‘you’re not what you think you are’.  the part of her she most wants nothing to do with seems to have its own mind…it has its way with her.   it jumps up and slaps her with the most unkind reality.

entering into tanner level two means that we can move forward a bit now.  we can get the puberty blockers that will stop her from developing the irreversible male traits testosterone would cause. and that’s a good thing.  but this level has also made her acutely aware of her helplessness in the situation.  every morning and often throughout the day, the penis she wants no part of makes itself hard and even harder to ignore.  she is crushed every time it happens.  she wants so much just to cut it off of her body.  i talk her through it with the same words every time.  that cutting it off would injure, maybe even kill her.

the problem is that she is in such pain that death seems an option for her.  she would rather be dead than have to go through what she is dealing with.  she threatens suicide.  i watch over her closely,  remind her that the problem of her having the wrong parts is temporary, fixable but that death is forever.  the words echo and clang around …so many empty cans kicked down the alley.

lately she sleeps, way too much.  i know why.  when i was in prison i wanted to sleep until my release date.  this is what she is doing.  she even admits that she wishes she could slip into a coma until   “after the surgery”.  she is every bit as much in a prison as was i.  though mine was only steel bars, walls and barbed wire fences, and mine was one i had earned.

her prison is far more constraining.  and she committed no crime justifying the sentence against her.  how i wish i could free her this moment! how i wish i could wave a magick wand and change her into the girl she will be.  how i wish it were possible to get the surgery done yesterday!

but i am as much a prisoner as is she in all of this.  my hands are bound, and i have no power to open the gates that will set her free.  there are protocols that are in place for good reasons.  there is a prescribed way forward that unfortunately must include time.  time so unkindly slowly passing between now and the day she can be under a surgeons blade.  time that doesn’t speed up no matter how much we want it to.  circumstances that depend upon time for their resolution are always most unkind!

this is a depressing read, i know.  and if anyone is still with me by this point please understand, i will get her through this.  i will keep her safe.  but how can i alleviate the pain she feels?  my own heart sinks below the horizon of a future that seems so far out of sight!  i am torn apart!  whereas she can temper her sadness with anger about the situation, i haven’t the benefit of this.  instead, feeling every bit as frustrated that so much of her being made whole depends solely on the passage of time and the reaching of a certain age,  standing helplessly by without remedy that can soothe her, i bleed from every pore of my being.

if these tears could but heal.

2 thoughts on “if tears could but heal

  1. No, this isn’t depressing. Raw, emotional, and heartfelt… yes. Yet, as long as you are speaking of what is and not what was, then there is the promise of tomorrow. This is one time when I can speak from experience, depression, gender dysphoria, anger, hate, disgust… I know all these things in a way I wish I didn’t. I have been inside those walls, every bit as real as those of concrete, glass and steel as you have so eloquently said, but there is something your daughter has which I didn’t, someone who loves her unconditionally.

    I do wish I could sit down and tell her she will survive. Not just survive, but thrive because she has been through things most people cannot even imagine let alone understand. It’s true, there are many of us in the world who have similar experiences, but her life, her experience is hers and hers alone. Just tell her to remember that even in her darkest times, when she wants nothing more than to scream at the world… she does not walk unattended. She has you there by her side to lend what strength you may and there are many people all over the world who understand her feelings and are here to lend what support we may.

    I know it isn’t easy, but she must learn to see each day as a single challenge to be dealt with. To think in terms of weeks, months, or years is to create an insurmountable wall, seeing one day at a time is a staircase, which while daunting, is something she can overcome.

    Hugs and hope,

    • altho it is really good advice to live in the moment and deal only with this moment…it is this moment that troubles her most! this moment, when the part of her she wishes to be permanently rid of is making itself most prominent, most evident, a cruelty!…time is cruel when the moment is full of pain and only some distant mark removed as much as years away holds any relief.
      i love that there are others, like you, who have blazed the trail upon which she finds herself. and tho i can certainly take comfort in the whole ‘it gets better’ thing, at 60 years old, time is different for me…months pass swiftly by, almost too swiftly for all the things that each must accommodate. for her, with only 11 years, time creeps by.
      i am pleased, and feel honoured to ‘be there for her’…but i also feel helpless. because all i can give her is promises that depend upon the passage of time for their fruition.
      the fact of her autism, which altho not evidenced by much of the symptoms usually brought to mind by that term, contains that ‘inability to self calm’ … tantrums and such are her go to way to deal with any frustration. no parenting method can give her the ability to self calm that neuro-typical folk have. because of this, helping her through things is more difficult than it is for other children, most of whom CAN self calm.
      keeping her busy with things, letting her sleep it off, distracting her, these work at times…i hope that the puberty blockers will stop the “pop-ups” … because if only the damn thing didn’t jump up, get stiff and make its presence known, she will be better able to tolerate the wait that must be until the surgery can happen.
      your words are kind and help me….i thank you for sharing your journey and your thoughts…a true blessing

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