Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…


sublimation and the mind of god

having grown up in colder climes of northern minnesota, from time to time i feel a bit displaced…usually in winter. this is because my childhood during the long months of cold, was filled with sledding, skating, snowball fights, snow forts, snow angles, cross-country skiing, and more and more snow!

these are found memories for me. being the eldest among 7 children in a small house, once the snowplows had left behind massive mountains of snow on the curbside, an immediate remedy for having some time and space alone was afforded me. i’d rush to shovel the front sidewalk, then dig into the four to five foot snowbanks. a snow fort was a necessity for me!

after hollowing one out, i’d harden it inside and out by pouring water on it, which in the extreme sub-zero temps of the season turned into an armor of ice. an old piece of rug or towel was then brought out for a floor. and there it was! my castle of solitude.

of course, here in the deep south along the gulf coast of florida, no such opportunity avails. but this morning i was treated to another of my favourite things about winter…also an exceedingly rare occurance here: sublimation.

sublimation is a physical change in the property of matter, in which matter goes from solid to gas, bypassing the intervening state of being fluid. it is really quite magickal when you pause to think on it, and for a poet like my self, it proves as easy metaphor to describe all sort and manner of transcendent experience.

for example, sublimation can allude to physical love which becomes transcendant, and ethereal. it can describe enlightenment, whereby the physical world is seen for what it truly is, a vapour. it can even serve as a kinder reference for the process we call death. you can probably come up with many more examples of this, especially if you’ve ever witnessed the event.

so imagine my sense of anticipation when upon awakening this morning, before sunrise, while still the waning moon’s beams danced upon rooftops thickly glazed with frost! the prospect for sublimation was made even more probable due to the warming trend forecast for today.

i was not to be disappointed. as the sun climbed higher into the crisp blue skies, its golden touch upon the crystalline deposits on rooftop and lawn, transformed solid ice into gaseous vapor, right before my eyes! like a flash-flood, every allusion, analogy, and metaphor that this vision has ever birthed in my thought-stream filled my mind!

who cares that the sub-zero (celsius) temperature would delay my daily sauna? never mind that i’ll have to wear my winter gear just to step outside briefly…after all, such opportunity for reflection, daunting any mundane perceptions of life, overwhelming them with the glare of its beauty, with the genius of its allegory…well, its not every day one feels privvy to the mind of god!


right now

a storm is brewing…miles away.
the skies overhead portend none of the possibilities of the coming reality.

sure, tropical storm debbie may not come my way. but the allegory which the meteorological situation has provided for how it feels when i ponder the future ziona and i face is brilliant.

right now, she is a 9 year old girl. innocent of the knowledge i possess of the various squalls on the horizon. like wrangling medicaid to cover the hormone therapy, setting up and keeping appointments thousands of miles away, battling against the frozen minds that would label her, judge her…

right now, her biggest worries center around being able to win her latest xbox game. she’s just a normal kid, like all the others on our block.

except she’s not.

right now, my biggest concerns have to do with making preparations for the future. setting aside money for the trip to thailand, the cheek cell vaginoplasty and gender realignment surgery that she insists happen as early as possible, getting records between the various care providers, working with the national center for lesbian rights to ensure that her rights are not violated.

right now, my job is to pay attention to her present needs, while looking ahead to her future. it is the same job being done by every other parent on the block.

except it’s not.

because saving up money to send a child to university is seen as commendable, by everyone. whereas saving up money to help my child afford surgery to change her body, is not. many people judge me more than they do her…because she is just a confused child, but i should know better.

only she’s not confused, and i DO know better.

i know about the prospects for children whose parents don’t stand by them, those kids with no support system. they run away, engage in self-destructive behaviours, find ways (sometimes dangerous ways) to pursue all of this on their own, they commit suicide.

right now, just like a lazy, sultry summer day in the south with blazing sunny skies, we go about our routines. she and i each doing what ‘normal’ people do.

except i do it knowing that there’s a storm brewing, somewhere just beyond today’s horizon. i do it with an eye to the future skies. and prepare.

debbie is dancing pirhouettes in the warm waters of the gulf.

like any wise gulf-coast inhabitant enjoying a summer cook-out under clear skies, my hurricane plans are already in place. for whenever it may come.