Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…

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please read these powerful words…and be moved

scrolling through my facebook timeline, i came across this article; appropriately titled: “someone tell me that i’ll live”

a beautiful bit of starkly honest writing that sent shivers down my spine, gave me goosebumps and brought me to the brink of tears.

we who are raising our transgender children have a host of ‘right now’ issues with which we must contend.  getting blood labs to ensure that we get the puberty blockers on time, before the hormones which would further betray our child take hold in their bodies….starting the cross hormones at the perfect time so that they can experience puberty as the person they truly are….advocating for them with schools and at other social gatherings…educating where we can so that others will begin to experience the requisite compassion.

but none of this ensures their safety.  when our children become young adults and venture out into the great, big scary world, it is out of our hands.

certainly, at some point before she is older, i will have to help my daughter to understand the dangers.  perhaps get her some judo classes…as she is autistic, she often misses nuances in behaviours of others that might warn her ahead of time when someone isn’t receiving her well.

this article was amazing in its ability to bring to mind the realities of our far less than perfect society, and the consequences to our transgender daughters, mothers, sisters and friends.

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15 Infants Reported Dead in Syria in Drug Mix Up – PNC Voice | PNC Voice

this is shocking enough…surely the powers that be will make it look like it’s a rare happening…

but what about the girls paralysed or otherwise suffering after the anti-hpv vaccinations, what about the neurologically impaired or autistic children after the hep. B vax given at birth, or the dpt…the mmr?

surely the recent revelations of the CDC whistleblower who helped to publish fraudulent papers about the ‘no link between vaccine and autism’  should give us pause.

i never get the flu shot, and i never get the flu…my mom gets both every year one after the other…

i think it’s safe to say that one should think twice before letting a strange substance be injecting into one’s body!


15 Infants Reported Dead in Syria in Drug Mix Up – PNC Voice | PNC Voice.

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nimby syndrome, a brain-eating infection

this morning i woke to this story here’s the letter in full. from twitter.

i’m simply gobsmacked, but not surprised that there are heartless people who don’t mind exposing their own nasty bits. however, unlike the trench-coated pervert who flashes his private parts to an unsuspecting and disgusted bystander, this sort of person doesn’t bother to hid their indiscretions and abominable nature.

perhaps the story mentioned above will turn out to be a giant hoax. that would be some small comfort…but not much. there would still be the whole “who the hell would prank something this awful’ taste in the mouth.

but it isn’t hard for me to believe that there’s one person crazy enough to visit their hate so obviously and openly (altho the letter was anonymous), because there’s whole throngs of people like this raising a stink about transgender kids using the right restroom for them in the school they attend.

high profile, not hiding behind an anonymous letter, making threats, using the court system, slinging their ignorance about like a chimpanzee in a cage does shit, like the lady who sent that letter these folk seem to have more than just the nimby syndrome (not in my back yard). perhaps an extremely virulent form of it that has morphed into a brain-eating infection that renders them incapable of rational, human thought.

some of these “not in my school” variants are pulling their ‘normal’ kids out of the public school systems around the country that have the audacity to treat transgender kids with kindness, consideration and respect. but it doesn’t stop there. no way! they feel they must try to repeal legislation that allows protections under the law to those whom they would oppress, persecute and ostracise.

like the author of this letter, they are convinced of their own righteousness, of their right to feel such awful things about another human being, of their superior standing in normal society and their justifiable lack of a heart.

people like my beautiful 10 year old transgender daughter, who is also autistic have a long row to hoe already…not because of who they are, but because of how full society still is of all these less evolved souls, and outright demon-possessed, frothing at the mouth idiots.

honestly! it’s the fucking 21st century!

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learning twice

i heard a saying once that goes something like “to teach something is to learn it twice”.
that is most certainly true in my experience.

altho i’m not a certified teacher, i have homeschooled three daughters, one of whom is ziona. i have volunteered for Project Literacy U.S, tutored in college while i was pursuing my own education, helped adults seeking their G.E.D and participated in some of my older daughter’s classrooms as the poetry parent, for lack of a better title.

it is exciting for me to learn how another person learns! and it just so happens that it is a good way to be effective as a teacher. much like neuro-linguistics, finding out how someone learns makes it easier to know how to present materials to them. so it is that one truly learns twice that which they would teach. even the most reticent of students can have their curiosity piqued in something if it is presented to them by making it understandable from their own bent of mind, or areas of interest.

but some, like ziona, have naturally questioning minds. the things she asks, born of her own curiosity upon being introduced to a concept remind me of my own childhood school experience, wherein i drove many a nun to the brink of anger with my inquiries

“if god made everything, what did he make it out of?”
“what was there before god made everything?”
“who made god?”

anyone who has a scientific mindset who has been schooled in a catholic or other religious school well knows that such questions are not answered, and one is immediately made aware that asking the questions is totally inappropriate,…even sinful maybe!

ziona asks very interesting questions.

when we were first studying cells, she wanted to know where and how that very first cell happened. when we were delving into astronomy she was curious about what there was before the big bang, and from what or where did all that energy which later was to become stars, planets and moons, the stuff that was spewed and exploded by this big bang to the point of creating space,time and all the dimensions, originate.

so i faithfully dig into my own knowledge, and search out other good sources online, sometimes documentaries on youtube, learning what i already know all over again, so that i can satisfy that thirst in her for answers. she has a much easier time of posing questions than had i in my elementary school experience, needless to say.

a couple of days ago, after her bath, she had another really interesting question, one it may not be possible for me or anyone else for that matter, to answer.

she asked if it were possible that “since i got the boy parts even tho i am a girl, maybe another transgender kid got the girl parts i should have gotten, even tho they are a boy”

at first, being hopelessly cis-gendered, i didn’t get what she meant. then it hit me! we had been talking about the fact of the conservation of matter, a lesson that began her thinking about the whole big bang thing since it means that all the matter and energy present today have always been around, only changing forms, never just blinking out or into existance. she likened this to the notion that if there are x number of boys who should’ve gotten female bodies, perhaps there are also x number of girls that should’ve gotten male bodies. like her real body was out there somewhere, as much a problem for the would be boy that was stuck in it as is the boy body she is stuck with for the time being.

i couldn’t answer the question of course. i told her that for a completely balanced ‘mix up’ like that to be true one would expect to find just as many trans-males as trans-females…and to my knowledge the numbers don’t bear this out. upon hearing this she immediately offered,

“well maybe some of the people who are transgender don’t know it yet. you know, like some of your friends who didn’t know it until they were grown-ups.”

so now i will be absolutely bothered until i do a lot of online research, to see just what the ratio is of transgender females to transgender males. not learning something twice this time, but learning something new! not an uncommon thing for me since the day i started raising this very special child.

because of ziona, i have learned about autism, about balanced trans-location of genetic material from one chromosome to another, about seizures, about juvenile polyposis syndrome, and about transgender children, just to name a few of the things i have become aware of because of her. all these things in addition to the many things she’s taught me about love, patience, compassion, and even such as video games and dinosaurs.

i love being her teacher/student!


too little – too late


yesterday i was shocked to open my yahoo page and find a story about autism and vaccines. the usual story one finds in the mainstream media about these two things is one that refutes a link, maligns proponents of a possible link and denigrates the ignorant parents who refuse to vaccinate their children.

so imagine my surprise when this particular offering was one that had a link to recent research proving that indeed there is something to a causal relationship bewteen vaccines and autism, among other neurological deficits.

it seemed likely the story wouldn’t spend more than a day on yahoo news, despite the fact that they routinely devote at least a week to other important stories, like say the tomkat divorce. so instead of copying the link to the yahoo story, i copied the link to the research.

the abstract here and the full study here

even tho it is exciting that finally the mainstream media is reporting about this issue without intimating that anyone who believes in a connection between neurological deficit and vaccines is a kook, it is still too little – too late.

autism rates have soared in the past two decades. big pharma has attempted and succeeded in steering research away from a link between the increasingly aggressive ‘vaccination schedule’ and a corresponding rise in the incidence of autism and other brain injuries. even in this study, the focus is on the thimerosal (that’s mercury, folks) and not on the other nasty ingredients in those vials and syringes. researchers have been maligned, doctors have been ridiculed, parents have been villified and denigrated for daring to suggest that mercury isn’t something one should inject into our babies and toddlers.

despite the anecdotal evidence often discounted, despite the number of children who have suffered brain injury that suspiciously occurs at or shortly after receiving their ‘shots’, the myth continued that there is no link between vaccines and autism or other neurological deficit.

make no mistake. there has been a battle to keep research from being able to establish a link. big pharma has behaved in much the same way big tobacco did decades past when they tried to keep under wraps the fact that nicotine…their money-maker, cigarettes and other products, could be linked to cancer.

but thimerosal isn’t the only reason that the recently ever increasing ‘vaccination schedule’ should be scrutinised. after all, according to the industry they no longer use thimerosal, which begs the question; “why?” and what replaced it? the very effectiveness of these poisons has to be called into account when the diseases for which vaccinations are supposed to provide life-long immunity are increasingly ‘coming back’, infecting the populations that are supposed to be protected by them. so the industry answer? you all need ‘booster shots’…more money for big pharma, by the way.

it’s funny the way the recent whooping cough epidemics can’t be traced to us ‘crazy vax refusers’. indeed, our children aren’t getting the disease at anywhere near the rate of those who have been ‘protected’ by the vaccinations.

maybe nature and not big pharma has a better way to see to immunity. after all, in the past when mothers ‘exposed’ their kids to other kids who had contracted the chicken pox, they didn’t do it by injecting the germ under the skin. and our immunity seems to be truly one that is lifelong. and for myself, my daughter and her daughter, my grandchild,we’ve simply never contracted the disease. even tho we were exposed and never vaccinated.

maybe too, as the last statement in the abstract above suggests, alot more research needs be done, not only to explore the “duh” of not poisoning our children’s developing brains with mercury, but also as to the real impact of vaccines.

of course, as with the tobacco industry, be ready to see big pharma pull out all the plugs to ensure its profit margins.

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you say tomato, i say….

recently, at a forum to which i belong for parents of transgender kids, there has been a flurry of threads concerning ‘sensitivities’, sensory integration disorder, ocd and autism. being the parent of a child who is autistic and transgender, and experiences these things, my curiosity was piqued. i wanted to read what these other parents had to say. even more so, since i have read research that indicates a co-morbidity between autism and gender identity issues: research that has shown that children with autism present with gender identity dysphoria at a rate that is 10 times higher than that of the neuro-typical population.

autism is known to have some genetic components. identical twin studies and familial clusters of the condition have shown this to be true. a number of genes are suspected to play a role in this, tho none have been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to be the culprit. gender identity dysphoria occurs at a rate that suggests a genetic component as well. and perhaps the higher ratio of autistic people who are also transgender being researched more intently will yield answers as to the underlying causes of both. who knows?

that being said, classifications of autism and gender identity dysphoria have both been in the news lately, because of controversy over how to present them in the brand spanking new DSM 5. on the one hand, the guidelines for an autism diagnosis are being refurbished, badly…in ways that would exclude the diagnosis for some who are now covered by it.
from personal experience with the american health system, i know how this can affect services approved by medi-caid, and probably other insurers. conversely, the very name used to describe transgender people makes the condition a mental pathology, which is not only an inaccuracy, but an open invitation for the system and the society to demonise folk for what will likely in the future be conclusively proven to be a medical condition, as it is even now considered to be, by cutting edge experts.

classification can be tricky. linaeus’ system for classification of life forms, for example, was very useful, and is in use to this day. altho with a few updates. but separating creatures into kingdom, phylum, family, genus and species could never have told us that two of the primates in the animal kingdom, humans and chimpanzees, share all but 2% of their dna…phenotypically we are drastically different, but on a genetic level, sooooo close!

some of the parents posting threads in the above mentioned forum seemed to equate autism with inability to speak, or with severe mental deficits. they took issue with others who mentioned that sensory integration disorder and ocd are often associated with autism. for some of the parents only the ‘rain-man’ level of ability constituted autism.

but autism is a spectrum disorder. there are those who are at the lower functioning end of the scale, those at the higher functioning end of the scale and a thousand shades between the two extremes. just as there are varying degrees of gender identity dysphoria. ( altho, i would argue that for ziona she has body part dysphoria, she is fine with her gender identity of being a girl…she’s uncomfortable with the body parts that belong to a boy.)

when trying to classify things there is often a tendency to use either too fine or too broad a brush. straining at a gnat to define who is or isn’t autistic overlooks those who don’t fit the assigned pattern and can result in reduced benefits. broadly stating that anyone whose body doesn’t align with their gender identity is mentally ill results in further stigmatisation in a society where there is quite enough of that already (thank you very much), and furthermore is simply untrue.

neither is it merely a case of you say tomato, i say tomahto.
some quidelines may be necessary in order to create benefit and opportunity, but none should ever be instituted that might rob the person defined thereby of these.


happy birthday

i’m not one to allow a big thing to be made of my own birthday.
in fact, years past while living with my eldest daughter’s father, when he’d invite all of our (his) friends for a party using my birthday as an excuse, i used the occasion to gift the revelers instead.

“but it’s your birthday, not mine” they’d say.
“yeah, but my memory’s horrid. i might forget yours when it comes around, so happy birthday!” i’d answer.

so it was that friday night when ziona and i went to my mom’s for a birthday gathering she had initiated, i brought mom an electric griddle for her birthday (upcoming) and my sister some specialty coffees for her cappacino machine.

but the most fun thing about this celebration was the kids.

ziona’s cousins lexi and mikey, (i used to care for them while their mother worked), were there. it is always so much fun to hear the ring of children’s laughter. and they all like me alot because i’m so childish. chasing them pretending to be a tickle monster, turning them upside-down and swinging them about. all great fun. and ziona plays so well with them, perhaps because they used to spend 8 to 10 hours a day at our house, 7 days a week for a couple of years. but maybe not because of that.

ziona spent more than two years, from the time she was 9 months old until a month after her 3rd birthday, in a special toddler program for kids with autism. in all her time there, the closest she’d ever come to interaction was a sort of mirrored ‘parallel play’. a common thing with many autistic kids is the lack of direct interaction. so i was thrilled when we moved here to florida, and at their very first meeting, ziona took to lexi like a long lost friend.

there came a time, tho, when lexi totally betrayed ziona and joined some mean kids in the play area at a chic-fil-a in teasing her on the occasion of her first time out of the house in a dress.

ziona’s hair was very short due to an attempt she’d made at cutting some bangs (to look more girl-like) and so i’d had to cut it to try to even it out. she was very sad and self-conscious of having such a short hairdo so i’d cut mine just as short. it was actually much cooler for us with the summer heat here in the south.

but some of the kids had started to taunt her for being ‘a boy in a dress’ and lexi is a bit of a follower, so instead of standing up for her cousin and friend, she joined the crowd of bullies. of course, ziona didn’t pick up on the fact that the kids were teasing her, until lexi started saying stuff like “yeah, he even plays with barbies” a fact she only knew because they played with them together and she and her mom had even bought her some of them for christmas.

of course i was in the play area with the kids, as every parent is supposed to be when their child goes in there.(i was the only one, as usual) just as ziona had realised that her cousin, her friend lexi was teasing her she looked over to see me gesturing her to ‘come out and eat our food now’. the expression on her face was hurt and confusion.

as she came over to me one of the kids exiting the play area behind us said, “oooh, look! a boy in a dress!”

i spun around and faced the child and said. “what did you say? this is my daughter! i have short hair too. am i a boy in a dress?” the child’s mother admonished her child saying “that’s a girl. now shut up and come over here and eat.”

the relationship between lexi and ziona took well over a year to heal. it was hard for ziona to understand lexi’s behaviour. i explained again and again how some people just aren’t strong enough not to follow the pack, so to speak.

eventually, she forgave her cousin. and they began to have play dates again. my mom did her best to help lexi understand about ziona. why it is she is who she is. no small feat since my mom has told me that she herself doesn’t quite understand it. still, both lexi and my mom have used the female pronoun in referring to ziona. and the unhappy incident at chic-fil-a is a thing of the past.

watching them play together at my birthday party was perhaps the best gift i’d received. when they decided to put on a ‘show’, as lexi likes to do, lexi went out of her way NOT to cast ziona as the daddy, (there was a skit about a family involved) and instead they were the mommy, the transgender mommy and the baby. it was adorable!

as birthdays go this one was right up there as one of the most special i’ve had in recent memory.

so i came home afterward,put ziona to bed, then put on my laurie anderson mp3 that has the song that says “you were born, so you’re free, so happy birthday” and danced around my living room like a crazy person.


nowhere safe

just think.
wouldn’t it be nice if our neuro-diverse, gender variant children had a safe environment in which they could receive the education everyone must have in order to get along in our complex world?
it’s a simple wish…you’d think that at least the educators who are given the responsibility of caring for these children would be up to the task of ensuring our ‘special’ children aren’t bullied by classmates.
but sadly, not only do some teachers not bother to weed out the predatory behaviour of their students, but engage in terrorising the children they are charged with teaching!

this is why i homeschool. read here and weep for our doomed culture, especially since i could fill this blog with literally hundreds of examples as bad or worse than this from various news articles from just the past two years!


parental bliss

today is a special day.
it is my daughter’s ninth birthday!
as per an old family tradition, the birthday girl gets to choose the meal (or where to eat), she chose ‘red lobster’.
the girl’s got taste!

my mom came with us. and before we left together to the restaurant, she produced a wrapped gift for ziona, compleat with a card in an envelope. inside the box was a ‘girl’ outfit. something my mom has grown to feel comfortable about is buying girl things for zee.

but zee couldn’t get over the name on the outside of the envelope. remarking excitedly “she even got my name right!” it was more important than the gift. it was validation, it was recognition of who she is.

of course, being autistic, she missed that she could’ve thanked my mom outright instead of referring to her in third person, for not just the gift but for the whole name thing, so i reminded her gently to do so. then made sure my mom understood just how important, how big of a deal it was to have the name on the envelop right. zee hadn’t even bothered to read the card inside, until prompted. once again her eyes brightened with anticipation as she openend it.

it reminded me of a scene in the movie “splash” where tom hanks’ character presents darryl hannah’s character with a wrapped gift. being a mermaid, she isn’t familiar with a ‘present’ and gushes about the beautiful ‘box’ she holds in her hands, until he tells her to open it. and she, genuinely surprised says, “there’s more?”

so zee opened the envelop to find a gamestop giftcard inside. she was unfamiliar with what a gift card is. i had to explain to her that it is like money that she can spend on things at that store. she was thrilled all over again.

i love being a mom!

is there anything quite as heart-warming as the genuine innocence of a child’s heart? it is like peering into the mind of an angel, seeing the world through the clarity of their pure eyes!

of course, there are moments of our life together that get pretty messy. the tantrums mostly…the ocd of her anger at feeling dirty and the constant insistence upon hand-washing. the low threshhold she has for the slightest frustration. but even in those very volatile instances, she is nothing less than completely honest about what she is feeling.

the other day she asked me if i wished she were really a boy, (ironic since her body says she is) and if i wished she didn’t have autism. i quite nearly cried at the beauty of her inquiry. she simply needed to know. despite the many times a day i tell her how dear she is to me. she had to know that i not only accept her, but wouldn’t have her any other way.

of course, i reassured her that i would love her no matter what, but sensing her need i added the “but i love you the way you are, and wouldn’t change a thing”.

she smiled, then looked worried, “but what about when i get my body changed?” referring i guessed to the ‘wouldn’t change a thing” remark.

i reminded her that we are all constantly changing. new cells replacing old ones, getting taller, hair getting longer…getting older. then asked her “do you think that there’s anything you could do or say, or become, that would make me not love you?”

a big hug was the reward!
i melted into her love.



we are coming up on the end of the homeschool year and as usual for this time of year, busy planning our annual cross-country journey to the mendocino area mountains of california. last year our theme was ‘natural disasters’ for which we visited all of the towns along route from florida’s panhandle, where we live. there was plenty to see, as i’m sure the recent tornadic activity brings to mind the devastation of last year’s storms, and flooding. (we also did some spelunking in south dakota)

this year’s theme is celestial events. we have timed our trip to arrive at “spider rock campgrounds” for the annular eclipse of the sun which occurs on may 20th and will be visible in the western united states from california to new mexico. then after spending some time with friends on the pacific coast we have planned to leave the area on the day of a lunar eclipse occurring on june 4th.

we always bring our camping gear along so as to pull off road and take in the beauty of nature. spend some time communing with the trees, talking to a river, swimming in a lake we find, or steaming our bodies in an out of the way and little known hot springs. it is such a joy to have both time and opportunity to do this with children, especially so because ziona is much like myself about such activities. sure, she’ll miss the xbox and dvd player, but she loves gathering wood for a campfire and finding a good nature trail.

it used to be much more difficult to take her places. even the three times a week ride off the mountain to her special needs programs or therapy used to cause the most intense tantrums. i learned that to bring along a portable dvd player and one of her recent ‘favourite’ movies was one way to deal. but many things used to be more of an ordeal with ziona. her autism used to make even the briefest of trips to the grocery store on the least busy of days a mammoth trial. the screaming and melt-downs often gained me some not-asked-for and probably not well-meaning suggestions from people standing behind us in line. things like: “if my kid ever acted like this, i’d give them an immediate spanking!” and even less kind remarks.

for folk like this i used to carry around a little lamenated business card that read: “my child has autism, a neurological developmental disorder. for more information, call:….”

i gave some of these out. some people’s remarks i addressed more directly, managing to keep my temper altho the attitudes of the persons i addressed seemed not to be in the slightest ‘reigned in’.

since i live alone and have no one to care for ziona while i shop or anything else, not bringing her along has never been an option. so we spent months ‘desensitising’ her to the environment of stores by having her ride in the cart, under an umbrella, with headphones on her head playing peaceful sounds. now she is much improved. the only tantrum coming when she’s denied something she sees and wants me to buy. i think this is a normal ‘kid’ thing.

with that as our previous reality, one can perhaps understand why i’m so elated about traveling with ziona these days. for the past three years she has been an easy rider, and a mostly happy camper. the hurdles seemed to disappear around three years ago. she potty-trained (finally! at 6 yrs old) she began to be less fussy about eating, her frustration level over little things has changed. she is all around just alot happier!

it happened at about the same time as i finally came around and let her live as a girl. it happened not at all gradually, but as if all at once something ‘gave’ and she was able to be just a bit more calm, a little less ‘on edge’. so of course the timing didn’t escape my notice. i think that it must have been very frustrating for her to have to live a ‘lie’. to always feel as tho no one was seeing her for herself. everyday to have even those the closest to you perceive you as something you’re not. i can’t imagine what that feels like.

now she skips, she smiles, she doesn’t scowl when someone remarks about her beautiful blue eyes. and she’s much easier to travel with on our long-hauls across country! we used to have to fly, just to make it all go faster by. but now she enjoys telling stories to while away the miles and picking out the perfect campsite.

whether it was all the desensitising and therapy finally ‘kicking in’ or the result of ziona being able to live outloud, something changed abruptly for the better about three years ago. and it’s made a world of difference in our lives, and her sense of peace. not that she doesn’t still have tantrums…just not 20 a day!

so even as we map out the places we want to see and things we want to do along the way for this year’s vacation, i remember a different and more important journey that we are on, together. her journey to becoming herself, and mine toward a broader view of reality. both of which are truly celestial events!