Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…


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happy birthday

i’m not one to allow a big thing to be made of my own birthday.
in fact, years past while living with my eldest daughter’s father, when he’d invite all of our (his) friends for a party using my birthday as an excuse, i used the occasion to gift the revelers instead.

“but it’s your birthday, not mine” they’d say.
“yeah, but my memory’s horrid. i might forget yours when it comes around, so happy birthday!” i’d answer.

so it was that friday night when ziona and i went to my mom’s for a birthday gathering she had initiated, i brought mom an electric griddle for her birthday (upcoming) and my sister some specialty coffees for her cappacino machine.

but the most fun thing about this celebration was the kids.

ziona’s cousins lexi and mikey, (i used to care for them while their mother worked), were there. it is always so much fun to hear the ring of children’s laughter. and they all like me alot because i’m so childish. chasing them pretending to be a tickle monster, turning them upside-down and swinging them about. all great fun. and ziona plays so well with them, perhaps because they used to spend 8 to 10 hours a day at our house, 7 days a week for a couple of years. but maybe not because of that.

ziona spent more than two years, from the time she was 9 months old until a month after her 3rd birthday, in a special toddler program for kids with autism. in all her time there, the closest she’d ever come to interaction was a sort of mirrored ‘parallel play’. a common thing with many autistic kids is the lack of direct interaction. so i was thrilled when we moved here to florida, and at their very first meeting, ziona took to lexi like a long lost friend.

there came a time, tho, when lexi totally betrayed ziona and joined some mean kids in the play area at a chic-fil-a in teasing her on the occasion of her first time out of the house in a dress.

ziona’s hair was very short due to an attempt she’d made at cutting some bangs (to look more girl-like) and so i’d had to cut it to try to even it out. she was very sad and self-conscious of having such a short hairdo so i’d cut mine just as short. it was actually much cooler for us with the summer heat here in the south.

but some of the kids had started to taunt her for being ‘a boy in a dress’ and lexi is a bit of a follower, so instead of standing up for her cousin and friend, she joined the crowd of bullies. of course, ziona didn’t pick up on the fact that the kids were teasing her, until lexi started saying stuff like “yeah, he even plays with barbies” a fact she only knew because they played with them together and she and her mom had even bought her some of them for christmas.

of course i was in the play area with the kids, as every parent is supposed to be when their child goes in there.(i was the only one, as usual) just as ziona had realised that her cousin, her friend lexi was teasing her she looked over to see me gesturing her to ‘come out and eat our food now’. the expression on her face was hurt and confusion.

as she came over to me one of the kids exiting the play area behind us said, “oooh, look! a boy in a dress!”

i spun around and faced the child and said. “what did you say? this is my daughter! i have short hair too. am i a boy in a dress?” the child’s mother admonished her child saying “that’s a girl. now shut up and come over here and eat.”

the relationship between lexi and ziona took well over a year to heal. it was hard for ziona to understand lexi’s behaviour. i explained again and again how some people just aren’t strong enough not to follow the pack, so to speak.

eventually, she forgave her cousin. and they began to have play dates again. my mom did her best to help lexi understand about ziona. why it is she is who she is. no small feat since my mom has told me that she herself doesn’t quite understand it. still, both lexi and my mom have used the female pronoun in referring to ziona. and the unhappy incident at chic-fil-a is a thing of the past.

watching them play together at my birthday party was perhaps the best gift i’d received. when they decided to put on a ‘show’, as lexi likes to do, lexi went out of her way NOT to cast ziona as the daddy, (there was a skit about a family involved) and instead they were the mommy, the transgender mommy and the baby. it was adorable!

as birthdays go this one was right up there as one of the most special i’ve had in recent memory.

so i came home afterward,put ziona to bed, then put on my laurie anderson mp3 that has the song that says “you were born, so you’re free, so happy birthday” and danced around my living room like a crazy person.


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how could they?!

this is not going to be a very enlightened piece.
fair warning to anyone who may actually read these blogs.
what follows is merely an angry rant about things that have been
happening in my personal life. not to me, or i’d not need
to write about it here or anywhere else.
i would simply confront whomsoever had wronged me and make my mind be known.

this is about despicable things done to my mom by people who
owe her everything, including their very existence.

recently my mother has had to declare bankruptcy.
having lived her seventy-four years without needing to do so,
even when she divorced the man who had abandoned her with seven kids.
she always managed her life and finances with exceptional grace.

but then came the eldest daughter of her youngest daughter.

nesi, who works at a bank, convinced my mother to co-sign for various
big expenditures on her behalf.
my mom helped her out.
but enough was never enough.
nesi, my mom’s own granddaughter, kept coming back for more.
and my mom, who wanted to help her, shelled out money, and used her own
exemplary credit to help her acquire these things.
in addition, my mom took care of nesi’s children so that she could go out.
helped pay for daycare for them.

but nesi didn’t keep up with the payments for the nice things, so the
creditors came to my mom, who began to give nesi money to make the payments
just to keep them away and to keep up the credit rating she’d acquired.
nesi, took the money but didn’t use it to pay off the bills that led the
creditors to my mom. no, no, no. she used it to pay off the ones that
kept herself in the clear instead.

so, fifty thousand dollars later, nesi informs my mom that she is going to
declare bankruptcy, which left the entirety of the debt to my mom.

my mom, lives on a small fixed income that comes from social security benefits
left her by the death of her husband. the only reason she’d helped nesi in the
first place is that nesi makes good money at the bank. she’s a manager!

so now my mom has declared bankruptcy. to do so she had to clear her meager
bank account, and will lose her car. she also had to lie just a little bit, to
protect another daughter, my sister, jude, who lives on land she is buying
from my mom. although the title has been in jude’s name for years, technically
she hasn’t paid it off, and my mom depends upon the three hundred dollars per
month that they’d agreed together that jude would pay.

it was bad enough that nesi lied repeatedly to my mom about paying the debts
for which my mother would be responsible otherwise. and bad enough that because
she wouldn’t do so, my mom had to do the whole legal bankruptcy thing.
but then, jude tries to blackmail our mother into forgiving the rest of the
interest on the debt for the land she is buying, insinuating that since the
title is already in her name, there would be nothing my mom could do about it
if she didn’t pay her any longer.

what the fucking hell is wrong with people!

i have been a junkie, and done some unfortunate things to get money for my drugs.
but even in the throes of my most addicted moments, i could NEVER have brought
myself to steal from people i loved, from people who had helped me out, or even
just people who have trusted me.

i want to slap both nesi and jude right across the face! i want to scream at them.
but it wouldn’t satisfy me. i know that. because what i really want to do is
figure out, to somehow wrap my head around what the fuck sort of dysfunction
they suffer that allows them to screw over someone as awesome as my mom!

there!
i warned you.
not a thing of value.
not a single gem of enlightenment.
nor an insight into human nature or my own even.
just a great big ‘how could they?!’