Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…

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please read these powerful words…and be moved

scrolling through my facebook timeline, i came across this article; appropriately titled: “someone tell me that i’ll live”

a beautiful bit of starkly honest writing that sent shivers down my spine, gave me goosebumps and brought me to the brink of tears.

we who are raising our transgender children have a host of ‘right now’ issues with which we must contend.  getting blood labs to ensure that we get the puberty blockers on time, before the hormones which would further betray our child take hold in their bodies….starting the cross hormones at the perfect time so that they can experience puberty as the person they truly are….advocating for them with schools and at other social gatherings…educating where we can so that others will begin to experience the requisite compassion.

but none of this ensures their safety.  when our children become young adults and venture out into the great, big scary world, it is out of our hands.

certainly, at some point before she is older, i will have to help my daughter to understand the dangers.  perhaps get her some judo classes…as she is autistic, she often misses nuances in behaviours of others that might warn her ahead of time when someone isn’t receiving her well.

this article was amazing in its ability to bring to mind the realities of our far less than perfect society, and the consequences to our transgender daughters, mothers, sisters and friends.


on pins and needles

there are few things that hurt a parent more than bearing witness to their child’s pain.  the depth of love we feel for our children touches us to everything they must endure…a fever, nightmares, hurt feelings when another child betrays them, bullies them…the frustrations they encounter are our own, the diseases they contract we’d gladly take upon ourselves to spare them pain.

my daughter was born under a sentence…one that was unfairly imposed upon her…one that only grows more painful with the passing of time…the words: “it’s a boy”.

she’s not a boy.  altho it took 3 1/2 years for her to be able to tell me, and another couple of years for me to hear it, she is really a girl…

since 6 years of age she has been living as the girl she is, dressing in the clothes she chooses, her hair down to her butt almost, everyone using the proper pronouns in referring to her…even the name she has chosen as her own…all add to her identity as a girl. but of course, there are body parts that aren’t a girl’s parts.  and lately these have been causing her mountains of pain.  you see, she has reached an age where erections have become frequent, and the testicles have begun to fill out.   i can’t imagine how much this must bother her, how unfair it must seem to her.

so she has once again, as she did when she first found out that the ‘boy parts’ (her words) wouldn’t just fall off some day, begun verbalising a desire to ‘cut it off’…and verbalising how she’d rather die than have these parts.

her dysphoria is intense!  no matter that she knows there exist some transgender females who are not opting for surgery to change them, who know they are girls no matter what parts they do or don’t have,  she is adamant that for her surgery is a must…she wishes we could lie about her age so that she could have it done yesterday!  no matter how much she understands that these ‘parts’ are really her ‘girl garden’… one day to be used to fashion her new and more fitting parts.

she is into tanner level 2 now.  a magickal assignation for transgender girls because at this stage she can be placed on testosterone blockers, or puberty blockers…she hopes that these will stop the ‘stiffies’ (again, her words) that she so hates for the reminder they are to her of that sentence she is under…the one spoken when she was born.

it means she will either get an implant or have monthly injections to stave off any testosterone changes,  hair growing where girls shouldn’t have it, voice deepening, bones lengthening, hands and feet getting large, an adam’s apple…all the things which that hormone would do to further rob her of her identity as a girl.

so in just under a month, we will be at the child and adolescent gender clinic at ucsf discussing which method we will use for delivery of the gnrh…and when to begin the subsequent cross hormones that will usher her into puberty as a girl.

i hurt for her, but i can’t really know her pain…i’m a cis-gender woman, i’ve always had the parts that affirm my identity as female.  still, i am as anxious as is she to get this show on the road, so to speak.  to take the first steps to move her toward a goal she knows she must attain if she’s to feel completely ‘good’ about herself.

until then we’re both on pins and needles!


my gamer girl


this is my beautiful gamer girl!

it’s impossible for me to see her as anything but a beautiful, creative, game-loving 9 year-old girl. but of course, the reality is a bit more complex.

on any given day we do our homeschool lessons and she fights with me over them a bit, then co-operates and afterward is allowed to play ‘games’. one of her favorites is skyrim, where she is always a female, but rarely human. another one she enjoys is sim’s city creator, where after each build, she chooses from among the various disaster modes offered, and goes about wreaking havoc and destruction on the towns. these days she’s into minecraft. not surprisingly, these are the games i enjoy as well, tho i am not nearly as good at playing them. she is in many ways, a girl after my own heart.

she wants to travel to exotic places, and we do. right now we are saving up for a trip to thailand. it will be an expensive trip, because in addition to seeing the sights, by the time we save up enough to journey there, she will also be getting gender aligning surgery in one of the best places on earth to get it.

there are at least 7 years between now and then…and we will take other, less exotic excursions in the meantime. like the cross-country roadtrips we take every summer to visit california, our home and friends there. or the planned adventure to venezuela in a year or two. maybe another one to belize, or one to peru. and most certainly every trip from now until her gender alignment surgery, we will be making return visits to the child and adolescent gender clinic at ucsf, perhaps even taking in another genderspectrum event in the bay area.

it’s surprisingly rare that the whole topic of ‘transgender’ comes up in our household. zee, innocently enough, doesn’t really relate to that assignation. to her mind, she is just a girl. the unfortunate reminder of a body part that belies her own truth does bother her, however. she can’t bear to see her ‘spare part’, relies on me to ‘dab’ after she pees (of course always sitting down for this), insists on bubbles for the bath and when she gets out the robe is her shield against the reality of her body right up until i have dressed her.

so today, as a part of our homeschool ‘video day’, we watched one about propaganda and its effects on behaviour, then we watched one about ‘transgender children’ which i had selected because the child portrayed in it had such a similiar experience to zee’s own. like ziona, this child knew from a very early age on, about 3. like her, this child had begun to live outloud, as we call it, at around age 6.

at one point in the programme the child’s parents said they had noticed their transgender daughter becoming very concerned about her body changing ‘into a man’s’… always checking the mirror worried that she might begin to have facial hair. the child voiced her fear, and as she did i chanced to look over at ziona’s face. it would be hard to describe her expression. but it looked like one of fear.

i turned off the video at that point, deciding that it was a good enough place, (it was near the end anyway) to stop and have a little discussion. in doing so i was to learn that ziona is indeed still terrified that somehow we wont ‘catch it’ in time and that ‘boy changes’ may start to happen to her. a nightmare that she pushed to the back of her mind whenever it occurred to her. even tho she knows the whole procedure of going forward to become the girl she’s always known she is will be full of injections and at least one major surgery, despite how much she hates shots and fears pain, she is far more terrified by the prospect of having ‘boy changes’ happen to her.

it is a good thing that we watched this, that i noticed her expression and that afterward we had a heart-to-heart about her feelings regarding this. she always seems like such a carefree child! it never occurred to me that she might be genuinely terrified, deep down inside. not of the painful surgery, not of the hormone injections, but of what would become of her without them.


time to act

today was ziona’s yearly ‘check-up’ at her primary care physician’s office. she needs to start a diet and exercise program as she is a bit on the chunky side, we learned. (not like i didn’t notice the baby fat belly). but we also had her testicles checked for development as is necessary to ascertain the dreaded tanner level, the physiological proof of testosterone beginning to rise with peri-pubescence.

we are there. and just to make it all the more fun, her testes have somehow become ascended and lodged up inside.

so now there will be ultrasounds to determine if some procedure will be necessary to deal with this unnatural ‘lodging’. and we’ll have to begin the testosterone blockers to prevent any further release of the hormone into her body, thus preventing the male features which she so fears we wont catch in time.

i’m on it!

a strange surge of adrenaline has been coursing through me since we left the pediatrician’s office. i’m revved up and raring to go. it is time to act!

in a way it is a relief not to have to wait any longer. we have caught it in the nick of time, and we know what happens next. i’ve been through it all in my mind, the cost of the testosterone-blocking injections, trying to get medicaid florida to pay, preparing to suck up the cost myself when they don’t. no more waiting! her journey has begun a new phase.

for ziona, the first phase was realisation that her body had betrayed her. the second phase was living as a girl, being accepted as and referred to as a girl. now. the third phase is the preventing the body from betraying her further; intervention.

she is anxious for the surgery that will remove the part she knows doesn’t belong on her body, but there will be a couple of phases between here and there. in a couple of years, phase 4 will ensue with the cross-hormones that will initiate her puberty as a female and all the body changes that will bring. then as soon as she turns 15 we will begin preparations for the sex-reassignment surgery she’ll get at age 16, probably done in thailand. vacation time!

we both know how hard she will have to struggle to be the girl she is. these necessary first steps and the painful surgery that will remove the last vestige of the y chromosomes betrayal. no doubt we’ll stay in thailand for a full month to ensure a full recovery before returning home to the U.S. (if we even decide to return)

somehow, the journey has begun in earnest now. altho, for her, it began long ago. i feel like we stand on the precipice of a dream-come-true. ready to leap.

and neither of us has the sense to be afraid.