Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…


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attitude of gratitude

its great to awaken in a state of gratitude! it is, in and of itself, a blessing ~ since some people have a much harder go of their emotional and/or mental life. (like ziona, for example)

i don’t know when it was that this state of grace befell me. it goes back many more years than the births of either of my grown daughters. it had fortunately been in place long before ziona came into my life, carrying along all of the special ‘othernesses’ and difficulties with which she is equipped.

this grace has helped me to rise to any and all occasions, regardless of depth or scope. it has revealed to me the bright side in every hell, in each trouble. with it, came an ability to see beyond the immediate and visible reality, projecting likely and alternative outcomes or perceptions onto whatsoever circumstance should present. it has granted me as well an ‘eye in the center of the hurricane’ sort of calm.

it would be flattering to myself to be able to attribute this boon to some feat i have accomplished, or some faithful and daily ritual performed such as yoga or sitting meditation. it would be wonderful if i could point to some trauma, or some transcendent religious or spiritual experience as the source of this mindset of gratitude, if only to explain why i should be so endowed while others seem not to be.

moreover, it might justify why such a loathesome and lowly creature as i am (no false humility or overstating of the facts here, anyone who knew the particulars of my life story, inside and out would use similar adjectives) has been granted such an auspicious benefit.

i wish i could point everyone i know, and even those i’ve not met, toward some faith or tradition, toward some religion or ascended master ~ something, (anything!) so that all they who seem not to be in possession of this blessing might attain it. i wish i could reach inside of people and flip some invisible switch that would turn it on.

the simple fact of the matter is that there is no magickal formula, no daily practice, no penance or shining good deed done to account for the grateful heart. there is nothing that one must ‘do’ but rather it is that one must ‘undo’.

a cup that is full, no matter with what, cannot be added unto. an empty vessel can receive much. it is only the drum that is hollow that beats strong as a heart. the fulness of a flute’s tone relies on the unhindered flow of the breath. the space between drumbeats creates rhythm. in the space between thoughts there is heaven.

undoing, making room at the inn, letting go…

perhaps poetry and aphorisms are the only way to explain the means through which gratefulness of spirit comes to reside in one’s heart. and perhaps only poetry can describe the benefits. but as the new year begins, as we move further into the age of aquarius and the time of the fifth sun of the mayans, it is my most fervent wish that folk the world over and in every estate, unfurl within themselves this gift. one which everyone already has…but have yet to unwrap and enjoy.

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baby steps and gratitude

baby steps

that’s the way we grow
from one level of maturity to the next.

but we do grow…all of us, no matter how old.
still i admit being taken way aback by the
baby step my own 75 year old mom just took!

this is the third christmas that my beautiful and proudly transgender daughter has lived ‘outloud’.
we always go to my mom’s house for part of the holiday, but on zeeona’s first christmas as a
the girl she is, we nearly didn’t make it, because zeeona wanted to wear a dress…one of her beautiful new sweater dresses, and my mom wasn’t comfortable with this.

in the end, mom acquiesced.

since then, altho she hasn’t been able to ‘remember’ to use the feminine pronoun when referring to zee, or even call her by her chosen name, mom has decided to ‘sort of’ ‘kind of’ accept that there’s such a thing as transgender. and knowing that we wont come to visit if there’s a dress-code, she tolerates any outfit my daughter wants to wear.

because zeeona has a wide range of interests, not entirely girly gifts were always apropriate. so mom has always been able to fall back on such things as puzzles, books etc. as gifts that didn’t violate the societally imposed rules for what things a boy or a girl might receive.

this year, when mom called me for suggestions of what to get for zeeona, i was prepared to run through the same sort of gift ideas. i hemmed and hawed a bit before answering…

then mom broke my incoherent string of non-words interspersed with ‘i don’t knows’ and asked, if i thought zeeona would like the pink waffle cotton pajama set she had bought for her…maybe with a matching pair of fuzzy slippers.

to say you could’ve knocked me over with a feather at this point doesn’t nearly do justice to the shock i felt.

not only had mom suggested some quite obviously girlie gifts, but she had used the proper pronoun when asking “do you think she’d like…”

on my end of the phone, with jaw gaping and wide-eyed disbelief splattered across my face, i stammered back saying something like, “yeah, she’d like that i think”. but my mouth was forming words without benefit of my brain, which was still reeling with the realization that my mom had just taken one HUGE baby step!

at the time, i didn’t interupt her to point out that this was the first time she’d referred to zeeona with the proper pronoun. at the time i didn’t think to praise her for choosing a gift that shows her acceptance of zeeona’s reality.

at the time, my surprise overwhelmed me. and later upon reflection, i thought it absolutely necessary to save this praise, and express my gratitude when we are face to face, so she can see my eyes.

if i know me, even tho i have thought about it ever since, blogged about it and ponder what a big step it was for her, when i finally tell her in person just how much it means to me, it will be through eyes brimming with tears of joy and love. and i will definitely need to give her a big hug.

had my mom never been able to ‘get’ to this point, this acknowledgement and acceptance of zeeona’s reality as a transgender girl, it wouldn’t have doomed our relationship. as my mother, she has done so much! so it seems to me out of place to demand growth on the part of our parents, but to applaud them once it occurs is the only right thing to do.

when i do finally see her again, tomorrow, and let her know how much this baby step means to me, unless i miss my guess, my eyes wont be the only ones filled with tears.


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life as it is

looking back through my photo files, i was taken by a singular thought: i love my life!

that’s not something that everyone can say honestly. nor is it something i have been able to say about my life at other times.

today, as the thought occurred to me, i took account of every aspect of my life.

a single mom, at fifty-five raising a transgender adopted child, living on poverty level income, homeschooling, writing my poems and stories, doing laundry and housekeeping, caring for three cats and three dogs, living close enough to my own mom to have a relationship that’s not defined by a phone record, planning for the spring gardening, the summer road trip to berkeley for the transgender children conference, simply ‘carrying wood and drawing water’ as the saying goes.

i love my life!
tho changes will certainly come, there is at this moment not one thing that i would change.

being able to say such a thing fills me with gratitude. to life and for life as it is