Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…


letting go

within the space of about ten days so much has changed. i must admit, my head is actually reeling!

first we had the news that ziona has gotten to the tanner level where the time is now to start puberty blockers. at just nine years old, and her third year living ‘outloud’ as the girl she’s always been, we are going to begin her long journey forward to make her body fall in line with her brain.

and today, she actually ‘gave up’ her old swingset and playhouse from the backyard. usually, she hangs onto things forever! really! she still has the first ever stuffed toy she got at one day old when i went to retrieve her from the hospital. there’s a box in the closet full of thomas the train tracks and such that is next to go.

it is nice that she is finally able to let go of these things. in a way, she will have lots of stuff to let go of in the months and years to come. but i feel a bit of sadness at all this letting go.

she is saying goodbye to her childhood these days. and so am i… it rather reminds me of when i finally let go of the son i thought i had been raising and accepted the daughter who had been there all along.

generally i like the whole process of ‘letting go’. i have been through alot of it myself throughout life. i have let go of lovers who’ve moved on. of children once they’ve flown the nest. of friends and family who have died. and as much as such letting go can be fraught with little sorrows, it is also full of new tomorrows.

so today the backyard no longer looks like a playground. now she and i are busy planning a garden for the space where the swingset was and a swimming pool where once the playhouse stood. of course, most of the hard work on these new projects will have to wait until we’ve returned from our annual cross-country road trip and pilgrimage to our california house. but that’s okay.

letting go is a way of moving forward after all, and it is something at which ziona and i are quite adept.

so, today we said goodbye to a part of her childhood that she had outgrown. and in a few years she will say goodbye to the body that has never suited her. through it all i feel like a hitch-hiker along for the ride of my life!