Pasupatidasi's Blog

thoughts, poetry, life as it is…


#fuckcispeople offensive?

just read a post from a blogger i follow. it definitely bears reading if you are a parent, partner or supporter of trans-rights and an end to the domination of society by those who make no room for those who are ‘other than’.

then i went to twitter to read the #fuckcispeople hashtag timeline. and left a tweet of my own.

i refuse to entertain the notion that it is wrong to have this hashtag, wrong for people to weigh in on an issue that is divisive. it is this very divisiveness that evidences the root cause of the evil wrought by a cis-normative dialogue that allows scant room for discussion.

my daughter is only 10 and because she is transgender, altho she is homeschooled and largely shielded by from the haters in our society, she has already suffered because of the cis-normative mindset that dominates every aspect of the world she will one day be facing alone.

recent court battles have been won that allow for transgender kids to be afforded the dignity of using restrooms in their school which align with their identity. from the uproar this caused you’d have thought that satan himself had birthed these children.

THIS is the evil that an honest and ‘no-holds barred’ dialogue, no matter how provocative the incitement, seeks to address. this demonising of even children who don’t toe the line. this arrogant, bigoted, absolutely horrible belief that it is okay for cis-folk to declare what is right, what is ‘normal’ and what is clearly unacceptable or only marginally allowed.

how fucking dare these medieval minded zealots victimise anyone? where do they get off? who the fuck died and made them god!

the answer to the last question is simple. NO ONE HAD TO! no one had to die and make them god because the whole of society has declared their opinion to be the majority, their reality to be the only true one, their judgments to be justified.

my daughter is so very negatively impacted by her body having ‘boy parts’ that she can’t bathe without copious bubbles in the tub, can’t bear to see the parts that make her ‘not a real girl’ to the point that she has to have me ‘dab’ the penis after she urinates, because she can’t bear to see much less touch that ‘member’. and yet the folk up in arms over whether or not children have the right to use the gender identified appropriate bathroom would have the world believe that little boys will be ‘flashing’ their stuff to ‘honest-to-god’ little girls in school restrooms.

so #fuckcispeople for projecting their own perverted and wicked inner demons on our beautiful and innocent children!

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guilty of child abuse? … *face palm* wtf! *head bang on desk*

before i get into my thoughts on this matter, which will be decidedly heated, please read this and the links included therein.

so to those who have read this blog before, a lot of this will be old news. still i feel compelled to include a bit of our journey, as a way to refute the ‘haters’ that deem me a child abuser.

i adopted my grandson and raised him from birth. it was exciting for me to have the opportunity to raise a boy, being a bit of a tomboy myself and having only raised daughters. i was looking forward to sharing the interests i’ve had that are thought of as ‘less than feminine’ by our society, things my daughters were never quite ‘into’.

i bought all the usually considered ‘boy things’, which were toys i had lusted over as a child but had to hope my brothers would let me play with, since they got the hot wheels sets and stuff i wanted, while i got dolls and such. altho, when ziona (zion at the time) requested things usually considered ‘girl things’ i bought them for him. the clothes i shopped for of course didn’t include dresses, or frilly items. altho even had i been buying clothes for a girl child, it wouldn’t have had much of that type. for the first 3 years of life i assumed i was raising a boy child and acted accordingly.

just before birthday number 3 when ziona (again, at the time, zion) requested a baby doll for a gift, i didn’t blink. already there was one baby doll among the many toys in our house. but there was a caveat in the request, it had to be a boy doll (by request). i was happy that (he) wanted an anatomically correct boy doll. i thought it was a sign of (him) learning to differentiate between boy and girl, so as to identify with (his) gender, as a boy.

the day came, but when ziona opened the present with the doll, and undressed it, there was not happiness i saw register on that beautiful face…there was dread almost.

fast forward 6 months. we are at the birthday party for his cousin and friend Lexi. people were saying what a big girl she was getting to be. ziona (zion) told me “someday i’m gonna be a big girl too”. at first i just thought it was jealousy about the fuss being made over Lexi. so i said, “you’re already older and bigger than her,” a big hug, then continued, “but you’re a big boy”.

this was sooo not what ziona wanted to hear. you see, she already knew that the body she was in was called a ‘boy’ body, because of the anatomically correct boy doll she’d gotten for her last birthday. now i was imposing upon her the reality that she wouldn’t grow into a girl, but would only grow into a boy. the next six months saw all manner of turmoil around our house.

included in her reaction to this news were many attempts to rid herself of the penis that marked her something other than she knew herself to be. she tried using her pretend scissors from her doctor kit, to cut ‘it’ off. she tried to pull it off, but cried her heart out because this method only made it ‘stronger’. she told me god had made a ‘big mistake’, that she should’ve gotten a girl body. she begged me to ‘cut it off’ or take her to the doctor to have things made right.

so much pain, so many tears…there was nothing i could say to make her feel better.

i knew she understood that she was allowed ‘girl things’ even to dress up like a girl was allowed. so it was confusing to me that she wanted to be a girl. since being one wouldn’t mean there was something she could have or do that she wasn’t already allowed. but all that didn’t matter to her. she told me “god made a big mistake. i wish i could die so i could come back in the right body”

when your 4 year old child starts trying to maim their body, or seriously entertain suicidal thoughts, you can’t just keep hoping it’s a phase.

i had the primary physician refer us to an endocrinologist to assess hormone levels…to see if something there was off and was the cause of ziona’s confusion. (there wasn’t). a scan of her abdomen was done to see if perhaps she had residual ovaries, there were none. i tried getting her into dance, since she had professed an interest…but as soon as the instructor divided the class and assigned ziona to the ‘boy’s group’, she refused to go any more.

then on my birthday, 20/20 aired a special with barbara walters called “my secret self”. it was about kids like ziona, who identified with a gender beyond the binary and outside of the body’s anatomy. especially interesting to me was the story of Jazz, a transgender girl.

armed with a new focus, i began to research this thing called transgender kids. i have friends who are transgender, so it was only a matter of realising that this knowledge of who one is with regard to one’s gender starts at a very early age. i searched the internet for any and all scholarly research on the matter (there was little at first that directly applied to children) and found articles and interviews with Dr. Spack of Boston’s Children Hospital. i found books and ordered them, i found websites and chatrooms.

in the mean time i acknowledge ziona’s gender identity, but was reluctant for the next couple of years to allow what is called “social transition” to her perceived gender as a girl. that mattered little to ziona, who would introduce herself as a girl/boy and would correct people who wrongly identified her as a boy. she would often ask me whether she could ‘share her secret’ when she met a new friend at the park or something. i could see that it killed her not to be able to reveal her true self.

one day she took up a scissor’s again. and came to me saying she couldn’t wait for a doctor to ‘make it right’. tearfully and hysterical she begged me to help her ‘be a girl’. i grabbed the scissors (which were a relatively safe pair of kid’s craft scissors) and cried right along with her.

it was at this point, when she was 6 years old, a full 2 and 1/2 years after she had revealed to me her dilemma, that i knew that she must be allowed to live as the girl she knew herself to be. dresses and all. even tho she wouldn’t be able to lose ‘the spare part’ (her words) until she was much older, at least her true gender would be what the world saw. altho, she still can’t bear to see or have others (even me!) see that ‘spare part’, the difference in her self-esteem was almost immediate.

today know one who sees her would suspect that she isn’t all girl. my family have all finally learned to use the correct pronouns when referring to her, and to consider that she is a girl when gift-giving times come around.

child abuse? hardly! rather those who would deny a child’s pain, the trauma they suffer from being certain of their gender despite what their bodies and society insists, those are the abusers!

we parents, who have agonised with our children and seek to alleviate their pain, supporting them in their perceived gender know only too well how, despite the encouraging media and changes in attitudes surrounding transgender issues, their lives will never be easy…never a simple walk in the park…never without danger of oppression or outright attack. that our actions to help our children grow and thrive would be deemed abuse belies the fact that the real abuse comes from outside; from societal exclusion or prejudice, from religious judgments to physical assaults that are too often shrugged off as justified.

it isn’t the case that we parents of transgender kids simply acquiesce to some random phase our child is going through. it isn’t the case that we jump at the chance to find doctors to act on a child’s idle whims. we are instead the only voice a minor child has, their ‘gatekeeper’ to getting the intervention necessary to ensure that puberty as the ‘wrong’ gender doesn’t mark them forever with irreversible traits, many of which all the cross hormones and surgeries in the world won’t get rid of were they to wait until adulthood to transition.

far from child abusers, we are their foot in the door, their best hope, their champions and the ones who love and understand their needs better than anyone else in the world.

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it comes to this!

so much has been in recent media, both t.v. and written journals, here and abroad, about transgender issues. for the most part i try to focus on the positives, the progress made, the greater understanding because of exposure, the protections being finally fought for the whole of the transgender/transsexual community and the recognition of the needs exclusive to them ~ medical, societal and otherwise. i tend to be a ‘cup half-ful’ kind of person anyway.

so when the burchills of this world begin with their vapid and hateful tirades against transgender folk i don’t let it rile me to any greater extant than i allow my blatantly racist and idiotic uncle’s remarks about blacks and other people of color. it just isn’t worth ruining my day over their bullshit. but whereas my uncle only sends out emails to folk who either manage to overlook his idiocy because of a blood relationship (i just delete anything with his address on it) or the few throwbacks of that dying (thank gods) breed that actually share his views he is only able to reach a few, but the burchills and rush limbaughs of this world have a much broader platform. and yes, i did just equate judy burchill with rush.

i let the whole media furor in and out of my thoughts chalking it all up as similar to dyed-in-the-wool white -hooded KKK hangers-on who should really have already been relegated to the distant past of a misguided society. i understood that ms. burchill would almost surely never so vehemently attack jewish or black people to attempt a defense of another writer who had come under scrutiny for their remarks the way she did in defending suzanne moore. what i didn’t and still don’t understand is how she could possible justify her ranting hate-speech against transgender people.

but of course, as with many radical feminists (not all though) she obviously considers transgender women as not women at all. and as is the case in any oppression, the first step is to deny the group in question their goddess-given personhood.

suzanne moore’s observance of the ridiculous standard of beauty foisted upon women by the lecherous patriarchal society is of course spot on. but to single out a group of people as exemplifying the fake ideal was wrong. brazilian transsexuals are people…real people. and as women they are just as oppressed and suffer the same imposed standards as any other woman.

so, that furor has come and largely gone…tho not in my mind or the thoughts of others who were rightly offended by burchill’s remarks. now there is a new and even more outrageous reminder of closed-mindedness and outright oppression in the news. and it aims even lower…pardon the pun…as it seeks to bring back the same sort of pre-civil rights era segregation of transgender/transsexual folk: requiring them to show i.d. before being allowed to (wait for it) PEE!

what the fucking hell?

passing laws that actually make segregation of a whole community of people not only easier, but legal? sometimes i am certain that our evolution as a species is questionable. outside of lemmings, what other creatures on this planet seem to go out of the way to ensure their own demise? and isn’t that what we are doing when we legislate against a whole group of humans simply because we don’t like them? white people used to think it was fine to do this to black folk of course, along with any other people whose skin was darker than their own. straight folk think it’s quite alright to allow legislation against gay folk too, denying them the right to marry, serve their country without hiding who they are. but now! really?
it’s come to this?!!

despite anyone’s notions to the contrary, my daughter is and has always been a girl. she lives her life as a girl, she suffers being bullied by ignorant boy children because she is a girl. and like the older girls in our society, she will likely earn less, be scrutinised more closely and oppressed in precisely the same way as is common in our patriarchal world, regardless of her having been born with male genitalia.

so how dare anyone make laws that hinder equality and legalise oppression, against this or any other group of people whose only crime is that they are different? and really! bathroom privilege? what’s next? separate water fountains!!!

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The Queer Community Has to Stop Being Transphobic: Realizing My Cisgender Privilege

another gem of a post that i discovered at a wonderful blogger i follow…

altho it links to the huffington post article, this and many others i have first stumbled across by subscribing to this blog…

in honor of that and in order to share my first source, enjoy:

The Queer Community Has to Stop Being Transphobic: Realizing My Cisgender Privilege.


“transition as transaction: the commodification of womanhood”

this entire article by natalie reed resonates with my own frustrated sensibilities concerning patriarchal estimations of what is or isn’t womanly. but an even more extreme mirror is held up to transgender women, even within their own community.

it is called “passing”

i have been meaning to post about this, because it tends to bother me on a regular basis, when coming across mention being made in blogs, articles or conversations. and i will speak my thoughts in my next entry. for now, enjoy the clarity that is natalie reed’s mind.

i can’t and wont speak for transgender women…they have their own voice. and to many of them it is important to “pass”.

still, i refuse to think of my sisters in terms of whether or not they “pass”. the soul within them is their womanhood…despite external appearances.


now we see the Real Roseanne Barr!

i don’t know why she felt it was her place to weigh in on any trans-related issues, but roseanne barr failed in a big way.

read this and try not to retch and scream “off with her head!”

perhaps the most offensive part of the article is the very end where roseanne seems to equate transgender people with pedophiles (NAMBLA).

i was going to seriously vote for this woman. she had a great running mate and a solid platform, at least what i knew of it. but oh, thank god for twitter!

now we see the real Roseanne Barr.

unfollowed her on twitter immediately. no one needs a time-line full of that trans-phobic rant!

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mom lost custody of her transgender child…why?

it’s every mother’s nightmare, right?
you love and guide your child, do your best to teach them, support them and protect them from danger or harm.
but what if supporting your child, believing them and trying to do the right things to protect their needs and alleviate their suffering results in the courts taking custody of the child away from you?
how can this happen?

i exhort every reader i may have to seek out ways to help this woman.
she’s going through a kind of hell that my mind wont even let me imagine!

here’s her story…or part of it.

Courthouse News Service.

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tale of two tee-shirts

this is going to be a bit of a rant. fair warning.

around about the same time zeeona began to live outloud, i found some awesome tee-shirts at cafe press online that were very trans-affirming. one in particular caught my eye, it read: ‘my kid’s transgender. if that’s a problem for you, get some help’

i chose that one over others because it dealt directly with a kid’s transgender reality and a parent’s advocating and support of same.

it didn’t occur to me that it was ‘outing’ zeeona, partially because everyone that knows us realizes that the son i’d been raising is gone, replaced by a daughter.

because of this prior knowledge that friends, neighbors and family have (not to mention the various health care professionals, clerks at stores etc.) there has been opportunity for dialogue about transgender issues. some folk who i’d never have thought would be, turned out to be very open to learning about this whole thing.

in a couple of weeks zeeona and i will be at the transgender children’s family conference in berkeley california. she can’t wait to meet others like herself. because even tho she is not ashamed of who she is, and feels a little bit proud to be special and different, everyone likes to feel that there are others who share a reality in common.

so that tee-shirt is a good, supportive, trans-affirming garment; bought at an online store that doesn’t even specialise in lgbt attire.

as for the other tee-shirt in this tale.

it is put out by an alleged friend to the lgbt community; a company called ‘outwear’. but as so often is the case, the last letter of that acronym, the ‘t’ is singled out for marginalisation.

they have actually put out a tee-shirt that boasts: “womyn born womyn”.

now i have long been aware of the exclusion of my fellow sisters from events like the michigan womyn’s music festival and other women only events. long before i had a trans-daughter i had trans-friends. and even before i had a trans-friend i knew this policy of excluding women who weren’t born female was dead wrong!

taking just the words into account, no one, whether female bodied cis types nor transgender types, is a born a women.
we are born babies. we become women. or not. some who are born male become women too!

so who is the more female? the most woman? the one for whom their womanhood is an accident of birth? or the one who had to break through the accident of their own birth to lay hold of the womanhood that reflects who they truly are?

i am cis. born in a baby female body, which just happened to match the gender that expresses my true self. as i grew to womanhood, nothing needed be done.

my daughter is transgender. born in a baby male body, which happens to be at complete odds with the gender that expresses her true self. she will have to actually “do” stuff to achieve what came as an accident of birth to me. she will have to strive against the natural tendencies of a male body, fight them back with hormones and testosterone blockers, and eventually have the parts that violate her sense of being a woman removed.

(note that not all transgender folk feel the need for, and some can’t afford the surgery. it is a paradigm of cis society to wrongfully define folk by their genitalia)

so how can anyone deem her, and those like her, as less woman than those accidentally correct-bodied womyn?

how dare they!!!

and how dare a company that purports to support the lgbt community produce a shirt with a message that can only be one intended to marginalise, no, oppress trans-women!

womyn born womyn? as opposed to those who are women despite the whole of society and even their own bodies being obstacles to them?

shame on you outwear! and shame on any woman that dares to ascribe to the philosophy that puts accidental female-ness above and beyond the reach of trans-women!

so, boycott time! i already for many years now have refused to attend festivals and such that declare themselves womyn only to the exclusion of trans-women.

i hope anyone who is as outraged as am i at ‘outwear’ for this transgression will boycott them as well. maybe even send an outraged email on their contact us page.

what if the tee-shirt had read ‘white born white’?

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so same sex marriage passes…so what?!

more and more i see what is frustrating to transgender folk about being lumped into the lgbt acronym.

lesbians and gay men already enjoy many ‘rights’ and ‘perks’ that aren’t available to the transgender community.

*bathroom priveleges
*laws restricting descrimination in:
– housing
– employment
– military (soon)

now gay folk can marry. and it’s great! they shouldn’t ever have been precluded from the right to have their love acknowledged.

but for people like my daughter, even getting their own real selves acknowledged and deemed lawful is still a struggle on all sides!

* birth certificate and other I.D. to reflect their true gender
* laws that would prohibit discrimination in
– housing
– employment
– military

and altho in the states that now allow ‘gay’ marriage it’s possible for a transgender woman to marry another woman, this is simply a side-effect of a law intended for the more privileged letters of the lgbt acronym.

my daughter is at least or maybe more female than those born into the gender. she will have to take hormones and have surgery, just so that her body will comform to her true self. and yet there are those, even in the gay and lesbian community, who see her as less.

less of a woman,
less of a reality.

as a member of the gay community for many years. (about 30 to be exact) i well know the gains that have been wrenched from the hold of the dominant culture. but what of the gains of the transgender community whose letter (T) is tacked onto the end of that acronym?

the gay community has very often tried to distance itself from people like my daughter in order that they might have more acceptance, more validity. that they might get ‘theirs’.

but what about ‘hers’?

who cares about her rights to safety when she needs to use a restroom that reflects who she is? who cares about her self-definition if her birth certificate says ‘male’, simply because she’s not yet old enough to have undergone “treatment” (read surgical alteration)? in some states even having gone ‘all the way’ doesn’t ensure an easy road to your legal I.D reflecting your true gender. who cares about that?

and if it seems fair that the lgb part of the equation ‘get theirs’ first so that they can open the way for the t part of the equation, (which it doesn’t to me) let me point out that in the civil rights battles, women stood along side men to stand up for the rights of african-americans but women still haven’t even been able to get the ERA passed.

those liberated don’t always turn around to give a hand up to those whose rights were not considered.

my daughter is only eight years old. and as luck would have it she will probably be able to marry the woman of her choosing even if she does so as the woman she wasn’t born to be. but what of some of my straight transsexual friends? what good does the right to marry do you if discrimination and disregard haunt every aspect of your life, except nuptials?

my daughter relates to the l part of the lgbt more than the t part. in her pure mind she is simply a girl. the wrong equipment can be put right, because that’s what a girl requires, in her opinion. she has no idea, how oppressive society is of people like her self. and hopefully by the time she’s old enough to realise this things will change for the better.

but it’s not getting better if other oppressed groups within the society and dominant culture only seek to improve their own lot, whilst asking the others to wait…to trust that their own hard won freedoms will somehow, eventually trickle down.

trickle down….hmmm. that sounds familiar